Sex « Rotten Little Girls

June 25, 2009

Guest Post: Unpacking My White Male Privilege

by Ian

This is going to be about privilege, how I figured out mine, and the role porn played in all of it. It’s going to be anecdotal and non-scientific, but I think it’s an important subject.

Privilege is designed to be invisible, it’s designed to seem natural, and it’s one of the major challenges that anyone trying to end inequality has to face. It is the way societies reward the dominant group, just because they are dominant. It’s an exclusive club with all the best toys.

I was confronted by the invisibility of it all at work a bit ago. I work at a call center for a web-hosting company helping people maintain their sites and dealing with any problems they have with our servers. One of the major rules we have is no adult content, which basically means no sexualized nudity…otherwise known as ‘porn.’ When we find some on the servers, we give them 24 hours to remove it or find a new host. This happened today when I received a call from a woman angry because we had shut her down for hosting a pornographic chat site. Throughout the call I pepper in the phrase “naked men and women,” which sets her off. For some reason she got upset, and shouted “what the hell are you talking about, there are no naked men online.” I told you this to make you think about it. The internet is full of porn, and almost all of it is of college-age girls. There are other markets of course, but this is the main one. It’s just an element of male privilege to know that your fetish is there for you to find, no matter what.

Porn is a touchy subject in feminism. It’s something that has created a great debate and neither side can seem to come to an agreement. I personally came to the conclusion that I needed to remove it from my life, but I avoid criticizing others for not doing the same. I realized that while I don’t have a problem with pornographic materials in and of themselves I have a problem with the submissive and objectified nature of most of it. Even supposed ‘positive porn’ such as the Naughty America series (which claims to be a female positive company.) In almost all of the porn I have ever seen, the woman was nothing more than a cum dumpster or sex doll whose sole purpose was to get the male star off. There is no concern for the woman and she is just there to do the servicing. It just helps reinforce the idea that a woman gets fucked and that her value is that of a sexual object, not a sexual partner. This is just something I don’t wish to consume anymore, out of respect for my beliefs and for the women that I know. It’s a part of the privilege system and I think most of us can agree that is a problem.

In order to get away from this system you have to acknowledge your role and try to get past it. Here are a few examples that I have put together from my list of my privilege:

* If I lost my job, there would likely be another. If it took me a while to find one and I had to partake in government assistance, I wouldn't be considered a stereotype of my race or gender.

* I can go almost where ever I want, as long as I can afford it, with little fear for my safety and with no one questioning my right to be there.

* I am almost guaranteed a fair trial in almost everything but custody cases.

* If I look through a history book, it's completely filled with examples of people that look like me acting bravely and selflessly.

* If I were to be profiled it would almost always be in my favor.

* Someone who looks like me, with my genitalia, is almost always in charge.

So please make your list; it helps, I promise. Together we can work on unpacking our privilege and overcoming inequality.

- Ian

For more information on privilege, check out this article.
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Note: I’ve added Ian’s name to the sidebar; be sure to check out his other posts by clicking his name! – Dollface

6 comments

February 25, 2009

Guest Post: Do As You’re Told — Or Not

by Hina

I read many blogs, some of which are written by mothers who talk about their parenting methods. So naturally I reflect on how my parents raised me, and how I feel about the role of a parent when I read such entries. In retrospect, I’m more or less satisfied with how my parents did because I think I came out “all right” despite some shortcomings on their part. That doesn’t mean I can’t be critical because there are glaring mistakes and/or omissions in what they taught me, consciously and subconsciously.

In fact, they seemingly “forgot” to inform me about sexuality or sex in general. Ahem. My friends, this is big. Sexuality is an essential part of us, and it’s so important that we know about it, lest we become perverted pedophilic demons (Extreme? Maybe). But really, as an adult now, I’m looking at the way my parents treated the topic with increasing suspicions. I’m pointing to specific instances with dismay, “Dad, now…now it probably wasn’t the best way to approach the topic of sex when you randomly blurted out ‘No pre-marital sex!’ at the dinner table.” You know?

It’s when I look back at those AOL instant message conversations that started out innocently enough that went awry when nasty men asked me, age 11 at the time, if I “spit or swallowed,” darling. Now you might say that I should have known better than to join chat rooms at such a young age, better yet, that I should have known better than to keep going to those chat rooms. But what’s a curious kid to do in that situation? I personally didn’t have any clue what I was getting myself into, especially since my parents weren’t at all aware of how those perverts could possibly communicate with their innocent little daughter. Nor could they even say the word ‘sex’ without blushing. Seriously, we lived like the Victorians. Hello sexual suppression?!

Of course parents are, whether we like it or not, humans who make many mistakes—our own always seem to have made the most. But can that be an excuse? Should we just shrug our shoulders at the countless kids who are being jaded by the minute, or are completely shell-shocked when they get to college and say, ‘Sorry kid, deal’? Pretty depressing wouldn’t you say? But what do we do? Have family sex-ed classes? I’d feel kind of, no, really fucking uncomfortable in that situation. But I’ve had friends who talk with their parents about their sex lives—no problem.

For instance, the girl I went on a date with last night told me how her hippie dad gave her a “sex positions encyclopedia for lesbians” last Christmas and said “Have fun!” Now that’s awesome. So that got me thinking about how I’m going to deal with this whole sex thing when I have my own kids. I mean kids are sexual beings and I know I don’t want to suppress any natural actions they take, but almost everyone in the world has a different standard for what’s healthy sexual behavior, mental or physical. While my mom probably views sex as ‘pleasurable with your fiancé until you have sex to have a baby, at which point you stop having sex, period’ and my dad, ‘No pre-marital sex!’, according to friends, many parents engage in fetish-inspired sexual acts. So then how can a parent help their child find their own sexuality by guiding them through the hoops of fire so that the child will come out of adolescence thinking, “Hey, I came out all right”?

Well, clearly I’m no expert in this and you probably sensed that a long time ago. So I’ll turn the tables on you—what do you think your parents did right in terms of sex-ed? What did they do wrong? And while you’re pondering, read this funny (and frustrating) story about my mom.

I was 17 at the time and had been dating a boy I lusted for about a couple of weeks or so. Due to said lust, we were at third base by then (eating each other out, blah blah blah) and so my mom’s question “So, have you two kissed yet?” was both cute and embarrassing. Thinking naively that she wanted our relationship to evolve into the hip and progressive, “mother and daughter—best friends for life, we share everything we each other,” I said, “Yes!” with a few giggles. Boy was I surprised when her eyes slanted upward, and she spit out fire as she admonished me that “Hina, you’re still too young!”

She tricked me! She SO tricked me! Well, I simply cannot believe her recent complaints, “Hina, you haven’t told me about your love life in a while,” after such a trick. Imagine how she would react if I told her that I’m seeing a girl right now? Oh baby. That’s a fun one to think about.

So tell me about your parents. Are they flawless? Did they scold you in front of you and your naked partner? Do they have raunchy sex that you can hear through the walls? If you were to have kids/if you have kids/when you have kids, how would you deal with sex-ed?

- Hina

19 comments

September 9, 2008

The Cheating Curve

by Harlequin

Well I haven’t been around for awhile, since I have been moving into my new townhouse (with all of my friends, including Dollface) and getting used to classes. So this has been my first week back at college…I am sorry for not being around, but there have been some interesting stories to tell – if i could remember.

But on another note, this has also been my younger brother’s first week at college – as a freshman. We all moved him in last week and got him settled, and he seems to be happy. But…he cheated on his girlfriend. The kid’s first weekend at college, his first college party, and he cheats on the girl that he loves. My friend told me it was not really his fault – he did love this girl but his hormones were too much for him to handle. Perhaps that is partly true. It’s an explanation, but it sure as hell isn’t an excuse. So is monogamy even realistic, even when we outgrow our hormones?

Needless to say, I am disappointed in him. But I understand – I cheated once, and it was more than just making out. But my brother and his girlfriend are just so sickeningly perfect for each other. Before this, my friends and I all fawned over what a great boyfriend he was, what a great couple they were. And they are. I can’t find a healthy relationship for the life of me, and he gets one on his first try. In high school, nonetheless. I suppose that is what disappoints me the most, that even the relationships that seem the best can fall apart so easily.

I do not condone cheating, but I also do not condemn it. I think the best we can do is try to understand what lies behind the face of cheating, why people do it. Context can be everything, and although I only know of my own personal experiences, cheating seems to be everywhere today. Even the most beautiful women in Hollywood are cheated on – Reese Witherspoon, Elizabeth Hurley, Sienna Miller. I have been cheated on a lot, but when I was the cheater, I did it out of drunken vindictiveness. He had been ignoring me for weeks and I decided that if he didn’t pick up his phone when I called him at 2 in the morning then I would have sex with an unnamed character. Now, we broke up a week later; I realized he had pretty much already dumped me without immediately getting around to letting me know. So I don’t feel too bad about that, although I do realize it was completely immature and wrong. My second example is that of a friend who has been dating a man for 6 years, and everyone thought they were the perfect couple. One night they had a party at their apartment, and a girl who had just broken up with the man’s best friend showed up, without an invitation. As the night went on and people trickled in and out, my friend went to bed. When she got up an hour later, she entered the living room to see her boyfriend, passed out and naked from the waist down, and the girl masturbating next to him. Neither of them ever found out what really happened, and they are still together months later; in fact, they are having a baby next year.

So we get to my brother. He was at a party, drinking of course, and a girl pulls him around the corner for an exhibitionist make-out session. He tells me that she pulls off his shirt, and then her own, and kisses him up against the wall. He says he kissed her back. And then he stopped, and said, “I can’t do this,” to which she responded that she didn’t care if he had a girlfriend. He called up his girlfriend crying and told her what happened, and other than that I don’t know of any new developments.

So what happens now – do you try to heal, or do you give your partner the boot? And where do we draw the line of what is cheating – sex with anyone, sex only with someone of the opposite sex, kissing, or simply feelings? Obviously the answer to these questions will vary from person to person, but I do not know if I could continue a relationship with someone who cheated on me, emotionally or physically. Forgiveness is a lot easier than I thought. But forgetting isn’t something that can ever really happen; at best you can move past it and live with it. I don’t know if you can ever rebuild that trust. An infidelity (or God forbid, several) is always there, lingering, making you wonder. I can forgive my ex-boyfriend for his adulterous ways, but I can never forget and I most certainly could never be with him again. I wanted to try, and I did, but instead of fading with time, his infidelities just became more vivid. I turned into a crazed, jealous, suspicious, paranoid wreck. A lot of that is still with me – and I feel that any man who dates me now deserves a trophy just for dealing with it. But I have learned a lot from cheating, both on the giving and the receiving end, and I am still astounded with the complexity of emotions that are involved.

So what are all of your experiences with cheating? Have you ever been the victim or the culprit, or maybe both?

Photo Credits

7 comments

August 17, 2008

First Dates & Innocent Beginnings

by Kelly

When I was young, I wanted to be pretty. For some inexplicable reason I pegged this momentous occasion at 15. When I turned 15, everything would happen: I’d get a boyfriend, contacts, and turn into a beautiful young woman overnight. My steady diet of books starring ugly duckling protagonists who make miraculous transformations into cool, hip women fed and fueled my fantasies of grandeur.

Flash forward a few years.

I’m 15, in a dark movie theater with a skinny Asian boy who skateboards and not a lot else. He smells like cherry pop drink but all I can think about is how close his hand is to mine. He tries putting his arm around me, but fails, elbowing me awkwardly instead. I sit there in frozen silence, every vein buzzing with a deadly mixture of anticipation and dread. What if he doesn’t try again? Is he really interested in me?

Then, in perfect slow motion, he turns towards me and puts his hand out beseechingly. I take it. I think, as he strokes my palm with his thumb, “Now my life is beginning.”

5 years later, and many, many movie dates later, I will pin that moment clearly as my sexual awakening. I was a virgin, and until 3 hours later that night, had never been kissed. But I knew, even then, that something magical and profound had been put into motion. I couldn’t wait to see where it took me.

It’s funny to look back and see how my childhood fantasies did, in fact, play out as imagined. I wish, however, that I could have been more prepared for what comes after your first date. The sex, the blow jobs, the confusion and hurt. I lost my virginity at a young age (incidentally with the boy from the movie theater). It was beautiful & pure, as making love to your first love tends to be. However, looking back on it now, I see how naïve I was, and how our love for each other lulled me into a sense of security with future lovers that left me vulnerable and malleable.

From that first brush of fingers in a movie theater to sex in a dorm shower stall, I have experienced the best and worst. I will say, though, that I do not regret one single moment. I only wonder what that little girl who just wanted to be pretty would have to say about the woman I have become. Would she be proud? Shocked? Content? I have yet to figure that out.

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So dear readers, how did you imagine your first kiss, and did it happen like you thought it would? Please share your thoughts & experiences with us.