Rotten Little Girls

August 19, 2008

Home – Heartwarming or Hell Hole?

by Harlequin

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

I have been on a bit of a hiatus lately – gone back to spend a couple weeks at home where my computer access is somewhat limited. This is a place I could not wait to escape, so much so that I would pack my belongings and stay at my best friend’s house until I had more than overstayed my welcome. And now I miss home (and the people in it) more and more. Maybe I am becoming an adult, maybe it’s less like a terrorized war zone, maybe I just don’t care anymore.

I was the typical product of a dysfunctional relationship. My development was, unfortunately, very much a clichéd stereotype of children of divorce. I was withdrawn, angry, and sullen. I retreated into my own world, ignoring friend’s phone calls so I could lay in bed, smoking bowls and exhaling into my old soccer uniforms while I watched old film noir movies. After years of family feuds that involved electrical cords, stools, and mutual destruction of personal property, I was used to barricading myself in my room to avoid the ridiculous displays of aggression going on a floor below. Once my mother even threw a tub of butter at my sister, and only after four or five showers was her hair looking a little less greasy! While funny now, the hours of screaming and fighting (followed by hours of hysterical crying) were overwhelming – for all of us.

But somehow the pain of my childhood has faded away. We have managed to find humor in what was at once a miserable time for all of us. One story my sister tells is of when she was 14 years old: fresh out of the shower, towels wrapped around her naked body and swirled around her hair, she ran out of the house as a family argument escalated to overwhelming levels. Sneaking into the backyard, she crawled down the bulkhead stairs and into our cellar office room. After settling in the fetal position under a desk, she looked across the room and observed my father at eye level – a middle aged man similarly huddled under another desk, hiding from his wife. When my mother finally found my father, she belligerently questioned him regarding my sister’s whereabouts and he pointed her out. I often wonder if he has ever salvaged his dignity from that experience.

I have learned to forgive and let go of the past, to see my family for what it is – a group of people who love each other in spite of the mess our own emotions created. In a society that emphasizes politeness towards strangers, we so often direct our most awful feelings towards people who must deal with us. This is normal, and fighting is not always bad (as long as it is done fairly). Now I actually feel close to my family; they are people I enjoy spending my time with. We still fight of course, but we have pretty much stopped bringing foreign objects into the experience. Now that’s what I call coming together.

Do you have any family stories – whether they be hysterical or horrifying – to share?

Photo Credit

1 comment
August 13, 2008

Baby-Mama Drama

by Harlequin

So we have all heard of postpartum depression, if not through a personal experience then at least through Tom Cruise’s misinformed ramblings on the subject.  Although he later retracted his opinions, I have to admit that sometimes I fantasize about Katie killing baby Suri in a fit of postpartum rage.  It would be fitting and perhaps the best thing for the child, wouldn’t it?

But horribly inappropriate jokes aside, I associated postpartum depression with maniacal mothers murdering their newborns. For example, the much publicized Andrea Yates case that demonized the defendant. After dispelling my ignorance through research, I found that my perceptions of postpartum depression and psychosis were mostly inaccurate.

Just look at this list of symptoms of PPD. Sadness, hopelessness, low self-esteem, guilt, sleep disturbances, eating disturbances, exhaustion, emptiness, low energy, easily frustrated – welcome to any given night of my life, feelings courtesy of whichever insensitive boy I happen to be seeing. In fact, PPD (obviously quite similar to depression) is actually very common. Many new mothers (anywhere from 50% – 80%) experience the “baby blues” for a short time. A much smaller group (around 10%) experience PPD for much longer. I mean, let’s face it: if I pushed an 8 pound human out of my twat, I might get pretty damn depressed too. There is such enormous responsibility attached to raising a child – both emotionally and physically – not to mention the havoc it wreaks on your body. Pregnancy and its aftermath (such as breastfeeding) make up one long hormonal roller coaster ride.  And psychiatrists recognize that these drastic changes in hormone levels can affect neurotransmitters.

Mothers killing their children often results from a more extreme form of PPD, which is more commonly (and sometimes separately) called postpartum psychosis. And this only happens with less than 1% of new mothers!  Murdering one’s child should not be dismissed, but it should be dealt with in the context of insanity.  Maternal infanticide is not a justifiable act, but it is explainable – those are two different things. Prevention and care for pregnant women and new mothers should be the focus first of all.  In addition there should be a better understanding of PPD. Treatment is essential.  In the actual murder cases, however, tragedy often struck because those around the new mothers ignored all the warning signs. There should be a level of understanding of these acts.  And there is, just not in our country.  In an article for the American Journal of Psychiatry, Margaret Spinelli states “the basis of infanticide legislation in most countries besides the United States reflects concern for the biologically ‘vulnerable’ mental state of women after childbirth.” Over here, the postpartum insanity plea is a gamble for women, which is how Mrs. Yates ended up in prison for life.  I’m not saying every Medea should get a freebie when it comes to throwing their kids off a bridge (although I wouldn’t blame my mother for wanting to), but come on – we let serial rapists get off (no pun intended!) with the insanity plea often enough.

Does Andrea Yates look healthy to you?

Does Andrea Yates look healthy to you?

So in a way, comments such as those from Mr. Cruise (things along the lines of “There’s no such thing as a chemical imbalance”) undermine the issues facing women in terms of pregnancy – not to mention all people affected by mental illnesses. Even in 700 BC, Hippocrates wrote about the emotional problems he observed in pregnant women. Looking at PPD today, it is clearly a very real disorder. And the psychosis that sometimes results is tragic. After the dismal sentencing of Andrea Yates, the APA (or rather the American Psychiatric Association) issued a statement backing the use of postpartum psychosis as an insanity plea in hopes that it would change the way in which such cases were handled.  As Daniel Katkin states in this fascinating Time article, “The mistake is to think that insane people are incapable of making plans…The reality is that crazy people also make plans, but they make crazy plans.”

Looking at the world around me, I couldn’t agree more.

If you know anyone who is suffering from PPD, please do not treat it lightly.  Look at this site for help and please do something.  For further information, the Online PPD Support Group is right here.

Some interesting links:

  • Men can get PPD too!
  • Brooke Shields’ response to Tom Cruise
  • The latest slander from the presidential campaign – Obama supports infanticide!
    ***a note on this last one – Alan Keyes commented during the 2004 campaign for Illinois senator that Jesus would not vote for Barack Obama because he supported infanticide. I was not aware of this comment when I wrote this post, but it seems all too ironic and fitting given the looming election.

4 comments
August 12, 2008

Addendum to the Comments Policy

by Harlequin

Allllll right ladies and gentlemen….

So, here at therottenlittlegirls.com we have received our first negative poster!  Since we do focus on somewhat controversial issues, this is a moment of pride for us.  So, go on and read and feel free to express your opinions.

BUT be sure to read the comments policy first!

Here is a letter I sent to explain why a certain poster has been disallowed from further commentary:

i simply blocked you because you were incessantly commenting after you had already made your point. enough is enough. we are not angry in spite of what you may believe. we do disagree, and like we said – you have every right to your opinion. it’s not wrong. your comments are still up.

but it is our site. moderation does exist for a reason, and you are right – we are “controlling” our own blog to a certain extent. as much as i dislike censorship, i feel you are abusing the opportunity to comment. you have expressed your opinion multiple times, we have responded, so i think it is time to end the middle school merry go round of discussion.

like i said, we do not have hard feelings. we simply believe that you have expressed your opinion adequately (as have we) and therefore no more comments are necessary. we would like to hear from other readers who may feel insecure about commenting because of your consistent attitude.  with the number of comments you keep leaving, we feel harassed.  since you refuse to embrace the opportunity to stop commenting yourself, we are taking it into our own hands.

thank you, and good luck with your blog.

- Harlequin


Now this commentary is looking a little ridiculous to me.  I am tempted to delete it, but as Dollface and I emphasize in our comments policy, we don’t like to stifle free speech.  We love the comments we get for the most part, even ones that we disagree with.  Engaging in debates is part of the fun of all this.  No one’s opinion is wrong, but it’s not okay to come on here and behave in a rude and condescending manner.  We are not here to get into personal arguments about lifestyle choices.  When someone feels personally attacked, it’s time to stop.  Express your opinion, and leave it at that.

This poster has continued to comment on our site in spite of being asked to stop.  He has spammed our site, linked to us on places like reddit.com under the title “Feminists Bashing Men”, and even linked us to nude photos on the internet.  Such behavior is not welcome here.  He has referred to us explicitly as “controlling” and “abusive” when in fact we just feel harassed by none other than this poster himself.  We believe that the dignity of our blog is being sacrificed through his repetitive harassing comments, and therefore we are “controlling” the comments from him (which angered him more than a bit I might add – I guess he is used to having his way all the time).

Having said that, he has voiced his opinion (and of course feel free to read more of this on his blog) and we appreciate that.  However, this circle of comments about a personal relationship that he is not even involved in needs to stop right now, along with the sweeping generalizations he is making about the male side of humanity.  Monogamy or lack thereof is not a gender-specific issue.

Other comments are certainly welcome.   Even controversial ones.  We just ask that you keep it within the realm of reason.  You know we love hearing your opinions!

-Harlequin

P.S.   Does anyone else agree that while censorship sucks, moderation exists for a reason?  We are all up for hearing different opinions (yes, even disagreement!) but we think that posters like manupmen should take the excessive continuation of their arguments to their own sites….instead of constantly posting on our dime!

5 comments
August 11, 2008

Miracle Fruit

by Harlequin

Well this is not exactly a topic of controversy that I would usually pride myself in posting. But I thought it was really fascinating, and it brings a whole new light to the idea of drug use.

It’s popularly known as the Miracle Fruit, a small red berry that alters the taste of foods. Originally from West Africa, it has recently been the subject of so-called “flavor-tripping parties” at which hosts provide the berries before an array of lemons, beer, radishes, vinegar, and a variety of other foods that typically taste sour or bitter. Yet from 30 minutes to 2 hours after eating the miracle fruit, people can down bottles of Tabasco sauce and voraciously snack on lemon wedges. Described as “a candy that Willy Wonka would have invented,” guests exclaim that the “beers taste like chocolate milkshakes, grapefruits taste like pixie sticks, cheeses taste like frosting, and even the crappiest tequila tastes like lemonade” (I found these quotes from a mad flavor science post on a Flavor Tripping blog – check it out and even find out where you can attend one of these parties!)

New York Times

Photo Credit: New York Times

This berry has been a part of the Western world since about 1725, when the explorer Chevalier des Marchais observed West African tribes eating it before meals. Yet it has only recently become popular. While it was around in the 1970s, attempts to commercialize it failed under suspicious circumstances. Theories surmise that the sugar industry put a block on these attempts in order to preserve their own levels of business. This is denied by the FDA, but at the same time their explanation of the miracle fruit’s commercial failure is confusing and somewhat inadequate.

So how does this magic fruit work? People are not quite sure. But they do believe it has something to do with the presence of a molecule suitably called “miraculin” that somehow binds to the tongue’s taste buds and alters their sweetness receptors. Pretty weird, huh?

The only downside to this druggy fruit is that it can make it easier for you to get mouth ulcers, since you can ingest a lot of acidic foods without a natural rejection of the sour taste. And you might not like the feeling of tasting flavors differently. It all depends on personal experience, but it seems like it is definitely something worth trying out. It’s also relatively expensive; one berry costs about $2, but I don’t think this is something you are going to end up snacking on frequently – one should be enough.

P.S. The miracle fruit is not an actual drug, but then again, I suppose that depends on how you define the word.

P.S.S. Two German Shepherds just came into the office where I work, they were absolutely gorgeous. It pretty much made my day.

Anyone ever actually tried this fruit? Share your stories, we would love to hear them!

11 comments
August 8, 2008

Why We Hate Those Girls Gone Wild

by Harlequin

As if you needed any reasons, but nevertheless here they are:

10. They are ridiculously low-class – it seems ironic that a bunch of girls that look like spoiled brats are sold by mail through late-night infomercials. You spent enough money on Gucci sunglasses and Prada shoes, so don’t you think you deserve an audience of a higher pedigree, ladies? Girls say it’s their “15 minutes of fame,” so I’d think they’d make it worth it.
*By the way, it’s not 15 minutes honey. This is your fame forever. Relish in it, along with all the men (your ex-boyfriend, or your boss, maybe your father) who may be as well. And can anyone give me the name of a successful showbiz woman who got her start in the soft-core porn bar videos? Ashley DuPre does not count as successful.

9. Serious lack of individual style – the fact that they are all clones of each other simply increases my distaste for them. If I was going to get drunk and strip, I would at least do it in style.

8. They disappoint even the lowest of men - the corporation’s mogul (and the face of arrogance), Mr. Joe Francis himself wants innocent girls next door, but instead gets slutty tramps looking for a moment in front of a camera. And sadly, I have to agree with him. As one girl puts it, “I’m ready and willing, and I’m a dirty slut.” As if we needed any confirmation.

7. They failed American History - supposedly the whole franchise is just some passionate movement to embrace the freedom of First Amendment. Way to go ladies, you really embody the spirit of America.
*And remember, judges will just shut down your lawsuits against Girls Gone Wild for capturing what you do in public – that’s part of the same First Amendment that allows your flashes of nudity.

6. They are not even getting paid - I have a lot more respect for strippers and prostitutes who are at least making a buck instead of gratuitously showing their naughty bits the world over, and on tape nonetheless. If you think about the money that the corporation is making, these girls could at least salvage some dignity by demanding compensation.
*NOTE: T-shirts, booty shorts, trucker hats, Mardi Gras beads, or even panties do NOT count as compensation.

5. They are giving a bad name to drunks everywhere – instead of taking their clothes off when they get plastered, they should be belligerently yelling at people, like any self-respecting binge drinker.

4. They idolize a criminal industry - and we aren’t just talking public indecency. Joe Francis and co. have been accused of money laundering, tax evasion, racketeering, not to mention sexual assault, child pornography, and you guessed it, rape. If I saw Mr. Girls Gone Wild, I would throw him my haymaker and stab him with my stiletto, not fawn over him like a smitten schoolgirl gone wrong.

3. They completely embarrass the feminist cause – not to mention any self-respecting woman. I totally encourage women owning their sexuality and all, but taking your clothes off and rubbing your best friend’s twat in front of Joe’s crews is most definitely not what Gloria Steinem (a respectable babe herself) had in mind for the sexual revolution.

2. They are just plain dumb - as one girl explains her motives for baring her breasts to appease the chants of young men, “Everybody wants to be famous in some way. Getting famous will get me anything I want. If I walk into somebody’s house and said, ‘Give me this,’ I could have it.” Just goes to show that almost anyone can get into college.
*To any future GGW – this is just not how it works.

1. They are the backbone of Joe Francis’ success – both financial and sexual.

Ew.
Enough said.

Who wouldn't want this?

Who wouldn't want this?

Anyone have any additions?


Read the horrifying article I found while researching this post. I plan to write more on it later, but I have to wait until my stomach settles from the nausea it just produced.

Disclaimer: I honestly hate to throw the word “slut” around, and I fully believe that men (most especially Joe Francis) who endorse this sort of behavior are despicable. The girls are taken advantage of while intoxicated, but that can only be taken so far before they have to be held accountable for their actions. A woman can have sex with thousands of men and not be a slut in my opinion, but once she has rubbed her clit for the world of Girls Gone Wild, then she has embraced my definition of the word.

17 comments
August 7, 2008

Toilet Bowl Blues: At Least I’m Not Fat

by Harlequin

I spent a significant portion of my teenage years hugging a toilet bowl with my finger jammed down my throat, feeling like my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets.

Trust me, this ugly image is not something I can look back on without cringing.

And I am not an aberration in the backwards world of adolescents. Approximately 90% of high school–aged girls think they are overweight, and more than 2/3 would rather be mean or stupid than fat. Even more horribly, more than 1/2 of American women 18-25 would prefer to be run over by a truck or die young than be fat (both of these statistics come from the book “Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters” by Courtney E. Martin – check it out!). These facts do seem rather appalling, but I admit that I agree with the majority in these cases. I did five years ago, and I still do now. That makes me feel shallow, but it also makes me pretty damn scared.

Because in spite of my emotional turn-around at the end of my adolescence, I am still afraid of being fat. I can’t avoid that being in this society. By some standards I am fat, but those are not my standards. I am finally happy with how I look, and it’s not a result of throwing up my food after every meal. It’s also not that I have lost weight or started exercising more or eating better – I have not done any of those things. Actually I haven’t stepped foot in a gym in a while, nor do I plan to, although it would improve my health. I will never look like the toned, tanned girls that I was jealous of in high school. But I actually like my love handles now, and I find my untoned tummy cute. I like my big hips that I sometimes can not even fit a dress over. I think curves are sexy, and guess where curves come from – FAT!

You could get with this...

You could get with this...

And if we are concerned with men’s opinions, just know that very few guys want to have sex with a bag of bones. The ones that do have much bigger issues to sort out. Just look at the fashion industry, where the designers are mostly gay (thus they do not even like women’s bodies) and the models are supposed to resemble HANGERS. And amidst the “Size Zero Debate,” they sometimes die for it. There are still aspects of my body I don’t like, but I wish more women could have this sort of miraculous change of attitude that I did. Look honestly at the women around you – not the airbrushed models or cheating celebrities, but the women in your life who have the bodies that women are supposed to have.

...or you could get with that!

...or you could get with that!

But if you feel you need a little bit of some big celebrity assurance (as I sometimes do), the ones I find most attractive are those like Kate Winslet, Queen Latifah, Mia Tyler, Liv Tyler after she packed on a few pounds, and Renee Zellweger – but really only as Bridget Jones: Wanton Sex Goddess (and I think her ass looks pretty damn good sliding down that fireman’s pole). Keep in mind that the very skinny woman as a sex symbol is a modern creation – just think about the beautiful Greek goddesses with full-figured bodies, like Botticelli‘s “The Birth of Venus” and even the paintings of women during the Renaissance (such as those by Peter Paul Rubens).

So, what are your experiences with or opinions on eating disorders?

…More of the sick truth about eating disorders.
Still want to know more? Get reading!
An interesting article on the most recent trend in the world of eating disorders.

10 comments
August 4, 2008

Mondays are a Bitch, and So is She: Fiona Apple

by Harlequin

Tempestuous.
Mercurial.
Brat.
Self-absorbed.
Drama queen.
Recluse.
Crazy.

Photo Credit: performing live with Nickel Creek (NYC, 8/14/07)

No matter what insults you hurl at Fiona Apple, you can’t deny the intensity of her talent. She debuted on the music scene in 1996 with her album “Tidal” (started when she was only 17), selling 3 million copies and winning a Grammy right as she turned 20.

As an artist she has collaborated with many music greats, including Jon Brion, Elvis Costello, and even Johnny Cash. She embraces an offbeat eclectic style that doesn’t really sound like anything else, although her voice does ring of old time singers like Billie Holiday and Nina Simone. Her family background in music and her studies in classical piano and jazz certainly give her an edge, but her albums have proven her to be a singer with a truly unique sound.

Her lyrics are poetically passionate and heartwrenching, mostly about the disappointment of relationships (something I am sure we can all relate to – I have wallowed over many a guy while listening to Fiona’s songs) and the turmoil of her own emotions. Just look at the entire 90 word title of her second album “When the Pawn”. Sparked by negative comments about her in the 1997 Spin magazine article (for another diatribe about Fiona’s bad behavior, check out this article), Fiona wrote this title poem. She explained, “People are personally attacking me way too much, and I need to remember that I do everything for the right reasons. I question my motives, I make myself proud, I am a good person, I’ve never done anything to hurt anyone, and this is not me that they’re putting down. This is something that they’ve created.”

In another 1997 interview, Apple proclaims that she wants to be the “patron saint of reality.” And she is indeed pretty fucking real. Perhaps the thing we admire most about Fiona is her openness, her rawness of emotion. Above all she is herself – difficult, high strung, and maybe a little crazy; but she is honest and passionate. She doesn’t hide behind a facade or put up a false image for her fans to worship, like so many other celebrities. Instead she says what’s on her mind and forces the world to take all of her, the good and the bad. Looking at her public displays of erratic behavior, of which there are many, you notice that she doesn’t hide anything: her notorious “go with yourself” speech at the 1997 VMAs during which she proclaims that “this world is bullshit” (check out her explanation of the speech); her onstage meltdown at a concert in 2000, because apparently she was upset with the sound system that night; and even her disturbingly candid interviews. Her depression is part of her personality, and she tells one magazine that “it’s psychologically and chemically impossible for me to be happy.” She even responds to critics pointing out that she markets her vulnerability by quoting Maya Angelou (again) – “If you can embrace your weaknesses, they can become your strengths.” Through the lens of her own personal experiences – the rape she suffered through at the age of 12, her depression, psychotherapy, her family’s domestic problems, her borderline obsessive compulsiveness, and her eating disorder – Fiona speaks openly about disturbing and controversial topics. She admits that Sony was not at fault for the shelving of her album; rather she gave up on it for herself, spending her time at her mother’s watching reruns of “Columbo” and “making little pinecone people with razor blades.” If I heard of anyone else doing that, I would think they had most definitely lost it. But if it helps to spark Fiona’s creativity, then I have to say it ends up being a brilliant pastime.

And she does have the support of her many fans. After Fiona had given up on her most recent album, “Extraordinary Machine,” musician and college student Dave Muscato (yes, men love her too!) spearheaded FreeFiona, the online campaign to release the album after it was supposedly shelved by Sony executives. He sent hundreds of plastic apples to Sony’s chairman and organized a group of people to stand outside of their NY headquarters wearing red hats and chanting “Free Fiona.”

She is also a vegan and a strong supporter of PETA – Fiona was once late to an interview because she picked up a stray dog on the streets of New York (and brought it with her to the interview). Apparently this angsty woman with caustic wit does have a heart. So love her or hate her for how she expresses it, but don’t say that she isn’t passionate.

Either way, other people’s opinions are one thing that she doesn’t give a shit about.

Photo Credit: Rolling Stone magazine, 12/05

—

Some fun Fiona links:
Fiona Apple’s official site.
Read some great quotes by Ms. Apple.
Watch her amazing (and strange) videos & live performances.

—

So, what do you think about Fiona Apple?

3 comments
August 2, 2008

Good Old Jailhouse Lovin’ – The Safe Way

by Harlequin

So the newest craze in safe sex reforms is taking place in none other than some of our finest correctional facilities. Out in California, Solano State Prison is installing condom machines (with approximately 1,200 condoms per week for about 6,000 prisoners, so some will have to continue to rough it) so that prophylactics will be made available to inmates free and close to home.

Now this has just gotten everyone’s panties in a twist. Of course we all know sex is illegal in prisons, so providing condoms does seem like a sort of paradox, doesn’t it? But the opponents of this proposal simply gloss over the fact that sex does occur in jail – even if it’s not voluntary, and victims of prison rape would most likely appreciate the condom gesture. Not only that, but let’s not forget that we are trying to impose laws upon people who are only there because they broke laws in the first place. Like arguments about sex ed and the availability of birth control, those against safe sex methods believe that through such programs, we are condoning something sinful and wrong. Which is how we end up with pregnant teenagers who refused birth control because apparently unplanned, unsafe sex is the ticket to preserving their innocence.

But pregnancy isn’t something we have to worry about with inmates. Instead, it is the health risk of sexually transmitted diseases with a focus on the spread of AIDS. Studies show that prisoners are 3 times more likely to be infected with HIV than the general population. In spite of the immediate health risks, this may seem like a controllable problem to some. But these bastions of HIV won’t keep it locked away forever; while jail time can end, an HIV sentence just gets you life on the outside without parole.

Once again, the moral pole of the U.S. is getting in the way of solving a social issue. And all the reasons for not signing this bill seem to be a cover for the fact that homosexuality still makes everyone just a little more than uncomfortable. I think everyone would rather live in denial about men sodomizing each other behind bars, and having condom machines out in plain view must make this image much harder to repress. Responding to concerns over the use of condoms to hide drugs or serve as weapons, proponents emphasize that Canadian and European prisons have had virtually no security problems throughout the almost 20 years of this program. A select few penitentiaries do it in the United States, but California is such a big deal because Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has already vetoed the proposal twice, and he holds the ultimate decision after the one year trial is up.

Inmates are also lobbying for the right to same-sex marriages. But until then, let them have condoms – maybe later they can have their cake and eat it too.

2 comments
August 1, 2008

The Fine Line of Abuse

by Harlequin

Domestic abuse is a phrase I am sure we all shudder at, even though we may conjure up an image of a glamorous-looking woman wearing oversized sunglasses and scarves to cover bruises. Such a cool and mysterious (and inaccurate) depiction allows this kind of violence to border on being trendy. While it occurred behind close doors for centuries – even the Bible allows for the punishment of disobedient wives – only now do we have this media obsession with the personal lives of celebrities who are rumored to have an unruly fist every now and then.

Because in the end, domestic abuse is not what you see in the movies; it’s not the erotic passion of Kim Basinger crawling across the floor in “9 ½ weeks,” but it’s also not a Lifetime tale of a helplessly shattered woman.  The harsh reality of abuse is that it is full of emotions on both sides, but not the beauty and heart wrenching dysfunctional love that people have come to find enthralling. I know I will not be the only woman to admit that a man unleashing his aggression on me makes me feel wrongly passionate, alive…and well, pretty damn turned on.  Just think back to the innocent pop sound of the 1962 song “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss),” written by none other than Carole King and co. – listen to the original by the Crystals and check out a great live cover by one of my favorite inappropriately badass babes.

But neither extreme holds true to reality. If your boyfriend hits you, it doesn’t mean he loves you.  But just because he hits you doesn’t mean he is abusive.  There is some line in this blurry universe of domesticated war that seems natural for people to hang around…when the heat rises, horrible words, hands or other foreign objects may start flying.  Now if this is a daily part of you and your partner’s routine, you may want to rethink the relationship, or at least hide all the sharp objects in your house.  But the occasional expression of physical aggravation is normal and I don’t think that every woman should be throwing the word “domestic abuse” around.  The allegations against “Batman” star Christian Bale are close to being dropped, for example, because the motivation has been rumored to be money.  Cases like these simply weaken the support behind those who really do suffer from abusive relationships.  It’s a more dangerous version of “the boy who cried wolf” because true domestic violence is a real problem.  Statistics show that in the U.S. about 1.3 million women are assaulted by a partner each year.  Even worse, 1,247 women in the U.S. were killed by an intimate partner in 2000, and those are only the allegations that have been proven (think of the crack in the judicial system that allows a man like O.J. to fall through).

I am not trying to say that hitting people is justified, because in all moral concerns it is wrong.  But humans are not strictly moral beings, and in that way I can understand how a person can hit another person – or, God forbid, how a man could hit a woman.  I know my behavior, and I can understand why ex-boyfriends might think about realigning my teeth with their fist.  For the record, I sometimes want to punch them too.  And I feel a lot more comfortable expressing this desire simply because I am a woman.  While women are most commonly victims of abuse, men are as well – but it’s almost a joke in this society for a man to come forward against an abusive woman. For some reason, it is acceptable for women to hit a man across the face as way of expressing their disgust, but a man doing the same thing would get slapped with an assault charge.  In my mind, domestic abuse has been so popularized and trivialized that it takes attention away from the real cause, the real battered women who most often sit in silence rather than throwing around accusations against former NBA players who have deep pockets.  And these men could be abusive, but I can not believe that every acquittal in domestic violence cases is wrong.

Ike, OJ, and even smooth-voiced Jackson Browne.  There are probably a million reasons how truly abusive men like these got their women to stick by them for so long.  Society saw it as almost commonplace.  I do not believe that anyone wants to endure that pain, but if a woman doesn’t leave after that first punch, then chances are she will be around for many more of those throughout the years, if not forever.  At the end of the day I am not sure the “how” matters.  They stayed, and the men received little or no punishment for the tragic outcomes.

Photo Credits: Abuse ads by Saatchi & Saatchi Singapore for Association of Women for Action & Research (2008)

3 comments
July 28, 2008

Who Would Jesus Vote For?

by Harlequin

As the November presidential election looms closer, it’s time to pick these candidates to pieces with deeper fervor.  And with only two that remain standing, Obama and McCain, it seems that in terms of women’s issues, it’s almost a case of, well…black vs. white.  As Dollface explained, Obama addresses a myriad of women’s issues while McCain almost completely ignores them, save his section on “Human Dignity & the Sanctity of Life.”  Now, of course the correlation between religion and politics has many factors besides the ever-popular abortion issue.  But the mere title of this category just reeks of religious undertones, and it is aimed almost entirely at explaining McCain’s pro-life policies (a term that my own mother ranted about as she complained that having kids was an anti-life policy for any woman).

Polls show the obvious – that people who consider religion an important part of their daily lives support McCain over Obama, (50% to 40%, according to this study).  And to me, McCain’s policies might support the organized Christian church’s stance on women’s issues, but he is flat-out wrong when he interprets what religion is really supposed to be about.

The glaring problem with organized religion that bothers me is the way in which people seem to forget what it is truly about. It’s not about making rules and forcing other people to bend to your will – spirituality is about people doing good, supporting each other and thinking in terms of acceptance rather than absolute morality.  Coincidentally, Christianity tends to punish “the second sex” as most immoral, even using the Bible to assign blame to hotheaded sexpots like Eve and Delilah.   I can not help but believe that this sexist and power-hungry stance is not the attitude on which Christianity, or any religion for that matter, was founded.

This is not to say that religion is necessarily a negative part of our world.   It provides purpose and meaning for many people, and creates a supportive community.  But so often this gets lost in the shuffle of political power plays.  By all means, worships Jesus Christ, the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit and the whole shebang – but if you are really going to get all Biblical about it, shouldn’t you at least hold true to Jesus’ teachings?  Using religion as an excuse to halt the advancement of women’s rights is not justifiable.  Nor is it an accurate depiction of the underlying theme of Christianity – and in fact of all religions – “Do unto others as you would have done unto you.” Jesus preached about acceptance and equal worth for men and women long before the Bible was written.  In fact, he even had people breathing down his neck for NOT excluding women from his teachings.  His blatant refusal to subjugate women himself has been twisted and lost throughout the centuries, because above all, women should be allowed to make decisions for themselves – if indeed they do have equal status in the world.

Not to mention that the Bible makes no mention of abortion.  It is probably for this reason that there have been varied stances on the procedure throughout Christianity’s existence.  St. Thomas Aquinas and even some medieval popes believed that a fetus was not a person until “quickening” – when motion of the fetus can be felt and it is said to be showing signs of life.  While this varies from woman to woman, quickening typically occurs around 5 months.  Today a similar concept – viability – is used to determine the legality of abortions.  Referring to the fetus’ ability to live outside of the mother’s womb, viability is the basis of most abortion laws; this is why most late-term abortions are illegal unless a health risk to the mother or child can be proven.

In the context of this type of religious subjugation, supporting McCain’s views on abortion just stems to the larger issue: that supporting religiously-motivated policies allows for the hindrance of our female rights – rights to our own bodies, our own biological needs and our own life goals.  The doctrine of Christianity has proven that the church does not have the best interest of women in mind.  Its dismissal of the female experience is a result of the gender power struggle, rather than a policy of holding fast to religious teachings.  Even as supporters of McCain, women should be lobbying for him to include women’s rights in his political agenda.

Never mind that the Constitution above all stresses the separation of church and state.  Does anyone else wonder why the inclusion of religious-based opinions in our legal system is even an issue?  I don’t think most humans are so lost that they need a higher power to guide them around the universe of ethics.  Our personal decisions should reflect the freedom of choice in a world where morality is relative, not absolute.

Photo Credit: Christian Martyr on the Cross by Von Max (1865)

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