Products that Suck: The Twilight Edition

by Kelly

The Twilight series has been moistening the panties of many a female (and a few dudes, too) for what seems like a decade…and yet, new Twilight-themed products keep cropping up. While most are amusing, some are down-right disturbing. Here are 5 I find particularly frightening charming.

1. I gotta start with the best of the worst: The Edward Cullen Manllow. So while sex love dolls are marketed to men, women get…a large, misshapen pillow?

I’m actually a little giddy at the prospect of breaking this one down. Where does one start? The fact that it has Robert Patterson’s face? The strangely phallic-shaped head? The fact that it looks completely lumpy and uncomfortable? The insinuation that women are lonely, pathetic creatures who need to cuddle inanimate objects just to feel better? Nah. I think what really gets to me is the fact that this “Manllow” is sold out. When will it be restocked??? I need one, like, now.

2. Then, there is the pro-domestic violence sticker. Perfect for your sister, your best friend, and that cute female co-worker you’ve been fantasizing about while masturbating.

A girl just needs some rough lovin’ every now and again. Besides, pillow-biting is such a turn-on. Especially when that pillow is man-shaped…

3. Not into rough sex? How about date rape?

If it were up to me, the back would read: “You better learn some self-control, bud, before I break out the pepper spray!”

4. As if all of these products weren’t heart-warming enough, here’s a great (Christmas?) ornament for mothers and daughters to share:

You know, Twilight really does appeal to mothers and daughters alike. It’s a chick thing, you know? Like, moms love to let strange men into their under-aged daughters room to watch her sleep. True love like that, is like, all a mother could wish for her daughter. You know?

5. Hot topic strikes again… this time with a “Vampire Bait” belt marketed to tweens…and pedophiles?

Since I know vampires probably aren’t real, “vampire” must mean that pasty, creepy guy who is always lurking outside my window. He says its for my “protection” but really, I think he just wants to see me naked. Did I mention he says I’m like a drug to him? <3s it!!

6. If the man-pillow just doesn’t do it for you, there’s always the Edward Cullen dildo. Bonus: It sparkles!!

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Know of any other Twilight products that make your skin sparkle crawl? Let me know in the comments section. Keep tuned for part 2, as I’m sure I can bang out another one of these soon enough…