Rotten Little Girls

Despite the exciting and very lesbian circumstance I just described myself to have engaged in, I discovered the depths of my sexuality just last year in the States when I started living with a wonderful and loving gay couple. The questions they asked about my assumptions and unwillingness to even consider different walks of life shocked me, but as you’ve probably already guessed, they turned out to be pretty catalytic. Thank goodness too, because if you knew me, you’d know that I’m a ball of sexual energy, and my love for women was curled up so tightly that it’s no wonder I felt repressed despite my colorful sexual history. So I came out, happy ending right? No, not quite. I found myself a cute and sensitive girlfriend who was about to graduate and I thought “She’s a girl, I like girls, perfect.” But really it was more complicated than I’d originally thought because when she emailed me saying that we were too busy to see each other, a week before classes ended, I glared at the message for so long that I nearly bore a hole into the screen. I learned a lot (alert: cliche!) of course but I was nonetheless hella nervous about navigating the queer scene in China. I nearly decided that there couldn’t be queer culture in China because we all know the government’s influences are large and extensive.

Alas, I diverted my shyness and went to a famous lesbian bar, sang along with a rap song ‘I like girls, I like girls’ with a 60 year old Chinese lesbian and drank beer with a cute, Asian, butch tennis coach who slept next to me two weeks later. What you must know is that I have quite literally 8 months of Chinese under my belt. Luckily I’m getting along quite well linguistically!

No matter the circumstances, relationships fill me up with as much joy as confusion. My several friendships with Chinese people worry me because there is the possibility they only want to be my friend because I’m an American/foreigner. What is it that we seek from one another? I do believe that each and every one of us, yes even Gandhi, forms relationships with others for our own benefit. Sometimes we use others, sometimes we respect others, most times we learn from others, but it comes down to receiving something from another person. And because everyone does it, it must be mutual.

Well then why can’t our world recognize that we all have needs, many needs, and that other people can provide us with what we’re lacking. Race, sexual orientation, gender, economic status etc. It sure sounds like what I’m saying is common sense, but does our society reflect it? Does Prop 8 ring a bell?

Before I close my eyes to listen to the Bulgarian women again to relive that magical night, I want to ask you what you want from people. Do you ever fear that someone is befriending you for your material, mental or bodily characteristics? Do you feel like you have to make friends in order to feel rooted? What does it mean to be alone in this world? Enlighten me!