“The Rules” — Empowering or Pointless?
by Kelly
You’ve all heard of “The Rules,” right? If not, you are very, very, very lucky and should go look at a different blog immediately, lest I poison you with the mind-fuck that are “The Rules.”
I’ve never actually READ the book, but I have a pretty good handle on what they entail (sadly!). The Rules, from my understanding, are a set of guidelines for women in how to successfully date men without scaring them away or being “overbearing” or “clingy.”
According to the book’s website here are the Top 10 “Rules” to dating (my commentary in bold):
1. “Be a creature unlike any other. Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn’t work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn’t smudge your makeup and you move on!”
Where to start, where to start. First of all, while I know we’re all special little snowflakes, I think I will stick to “being myself” rather than attempting to affect some sort of false mystique. Furthermore, sometimes babbling out of nervousness is charming! And what is this about looking at men demurely? How can one be “confident” and maintain an “attitude” while playing coy? Contradictory, I tell you! Finally…if I want to smudge my goddamn make-up, I will (supposing I’m even wearing any!)
2. “Show up to parties, dances and social events even if you do not feel like it. Realize that you may not meet Mr. Right naturally and that you therefore must take social action immediately even if you don’t want to.
Get a manicure and go out on another date or to that singles dance — do something to increase your chances of meeting men.”
Because, really, your sanity and well-being is trumped by the possibility of running into Mr. Right. To hell with curling up with a good book, get out there and mingle, ladies! If you end up crying into your martini glass at the end of the night, just make sure your make-up isn’t smudged.
3. “It’s a fantasy relationship unless a man asks you out. Don’t waste time on a fantasy relationship. You may have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or accountant, and you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. How can you know for sure? If he’s never asked you out, then He’s Just Not That Into You!”
Actually, maybe he just didn’t ask you out BECAUSE HE’S YOUR DOCTOR. I respect the guy for being professional!
And why can’t the woman ask the man out? I went up to the guy I’m seeing currently in a bar, took him home that very night…a month later we’re in a committed relationship. Chyea!
4. “In an office romance, do not email him back every time he emails you unless its business related. On all non-business e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb.”
Now that’s just bad manners!
5. “If you are in a long-distance relationship with a man, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him.
Remember, the first three visits are really nothing more than three dates… and on the first three dates we don’t have sex with a man or have him stay at our place overnight.”
Oops, I’ve broken every part of that rule. I must be a dirty, dirty whore. I’m still getting laid though!
6. “When considering whether to use personal ads or other dating services, you should place the ad and let men respond to you. It goes back to the basic premise of The Rules: Man pursues woman. When writing your ad, remember that every man has a type, a voice or a look he likes. There has to be a spark for him that attracts him to you, something that makes him find you unexplainably special.”
Fuck that! I don’t give a shit what his “type” is…what if he isn’t MY type or MY look?
7. “If he does not call he is not that interested. Period.”
Wouldn’t this apply to women too? If I don’t call, I’m not interested. Seems like common sense wrapped in a sexist package.
8. “Close the deal – Rules women do not date men for more than two years. If you’ve followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you. Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it’s been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You’ve already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose; do you have another year to wait?”
No wonder so many goddamn marriages end in divorce. Ever heard of spending time to find out if he’s actually the right guy for you, rather than jumping into marriage after a measly YEAR?
9. “Buyer beware – observe his behavior so you do not end up with Mr. Wrong. Love may be blind, but Rules girls are not stupid! How does he act in the relationship? Is he cheap on dates? Is he critical of you? Remember, The Rules are not about marrying the first man you are attracted to who calls you by Wednesday for Saturday night and buys you flowers. It’s about marrying your own personal Mr. Right — a man whom you love and whose character you admire and can live with.”
Snore.
10. “Keep doing the Rules even when things are slow. Take care of yourself, take a bubble bath and build up your soul with positive slogans like “I am a beautiful woman. I am enough.” You must learn to accept that, as an adult, you can’t always rely on a friend to do things with you. Even if you don’t meet Mr. Right, going out — whether it’s a restaurant, lecture or party — is a chance to meet new people and practice The Rules.”
In other words, buy our book!!!!!!!
If those “Rules” weren’t enough, Mademoiselle Magazine calls the Rules:
“Empowering…The Rules books can give you control over your dating life.”
Err…Since when was being infuriatingly passive-aggressive count as “empowering!??!”
In the interest of ACTUALLY dispensing some empowering advice, here is…
Rotten Little Girls’ Rules to Dating Rotten Little Boys (or other Girls!):
1. Approach him first. You never know what you might be missing out on, and what’s the fun in that?
2. Don’t second-guess or get down on yourself. Okay, maybe you “babbled out of nervousness”…but guess what? There are plenty of people who will find that to be an endearing characteristic. If this guy doesn’t, fuck him! You’re not that interested.
3. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Playing games is for children and you’re a grown woman (and we’re assuming he’s a grown man!)
4. Don’t focus on getting a ring on your finger. There’s more to life than settling down ASAP in a house with a white picket fence. Enjoy the time you’re spending together NOW without worrying too much what will happen down the road.
5. Fuck the rules. Even these ones. Why would you take my advice anyway?
What do you think of the Rules? Do you follow them? Do have your own set of rules? Any guys want to weigh in as well?
Cheers,
Dollface
It’s not very empowering, but at least it’s appropriately titled. You have “rules” because it’s a game these “rules women” are playing. Some men want to play that game. Others don’t. I think the kinds of men who would fall for this deserve the kinds of women who would play this game. If you’re a straight man who wants a manipulative woman who isn’t going to be herself but who is going to play hard-to-get to get you, then that’s exactly what you’re going to get.
I’m not a game-player. And my wife isn’t either. And the best thing about that is we can be ourselves with each other. We don’t have to worry about what kind of “aura” we are emitting. We don’t have to worry about possibly dropping some act we put on during a courtship period to trick the other person.
In the grand scheme of things, I don’t see much wrong with The Rules existing. People who want to buy into it will. People who see it as utter BS won’t.
I hate how number one refers to us as “creatures”.
There is a guy at my work who refers to women as creatures (more specifically emotionally unstable creatures). I put him in his place yesterday.
It’s unfortunate that this crap exists. That books like this (and other media, such as Tough Love on VH1) make women feel as though they have to follow some sort of rules in order to be valued by men. *erlack*
And number 2 totally worked for me. I had a serious case of verbal spewage when I met my [now] boyfriend. He thought it was interesting.
[...] Dollface at Rotten Little Girls asked if The Rules are “empowering or pointless?” In response, she came up with some dating rules of her own. [...]
@ Jackie — I feel the same way about being called a “Creature”. That’s awesome that you put that guy in his place!
Ultimately, “The Rules” is a gimmick for getting women to NOT do what they want to do, which is give up sex to guys without securing some kind of relationship commitment or payment.
That’s all well and good, but following the rules only matches women up with Herbs, and then they wonder why they don’t feel satisfied with some guy that was willing to jump through a bunch of bogus hoops to be with her.
What people will find out down the line is that there *ARE* no rules… Only Free Will. The sooner people become comfortable with who they really are, the sooner they have a chance to meet someone that will accept them for who/what they are and have a good time with them.
laws of attraction…
The more you apply it, the more the Law of Attraction Works….
I’m with you, Dollface, and your take on the rules. If you are indeed a grown up, you’ll take responsibility for your own wishes and wants, and not spend your day playing a game in a demure fashion, waiting for someone to acknowledge, notice and love you. If you want something (someone) go and try and get it! If your endeavour is unsuccessful and there’s nothing more you can do, then move on.
Those other ones made me spew. I really hate the potential of self-loathing that lies in them. If you should actually follow these stupid rules and no one/the desired ones acts as they’re supposed to based on the rules, then it’s your own fault, isn’t it? Maybe you didn’t repeat the “positive slogans” often enough, right? Or maybe you’re not “demure” enough or breathe too heavily.
And I really also find it nauseating that, accordintg to this, the sole purpose of a woman dating is to find a husband, and that there appears to be a time line for this to happen as well. If you can’t “close the deal” within – what was it? – a year? – then leave someone you might actually love and go find some one who WILL marry you within the correct time line? Cause that’s the only way to know he actually love you – in spite of whatever he might tell you otherwise? Spew, double-spew.
As a Rules Girl, I don’t think y’all are giving the book enough credit. The Rules read in isolation look like crazy Jedi mind tricks you’re supposed to play on unsuspecting schmucks. It’s not like that. It’s about helping women date with some dignity–something a lot of women really don’t do. Maybe you’d like Why Men Love Bitches more. It’s the same idea, but phrased much more sassily–and probably communicates a more empowering message. I’d argue that they’re the same message, but I’d love to know your opinion on it. Here’s my post on The Rules for anyone interested: http://kaneisha.com/2009/10/dating-book-review-for-the-rules/