Men, Get Thee to the Kitchen (Part II)
by Kelly
So the other day I posted about the modern housewife and how pop culture and second wave feminism has changed the role of women in society.
We got a lot of great comments, but I realized my argument wasn’t quite made. I never explicitly addressed men’s role in all of this. Not to beat a dead horse or anything, but I have realized that the real problem many women face today is that they are expected to work outside the home while raising their children…while men’s role haven’t changed much at all.
Think about it. While many women quit their job or take on part-time (or freelance) work when they have children, most men’s lives aren’t really affected. Child-bearing is first and foremost women’s responsibility. Sure, there are a few Stay-At-Home-Dads (SAHD) that I’ve heard of, but honestly the only image I have of the “SAHD” is depicted in Little Children, the novel by Tom Perrotta. In Little Children, the father adores his kid, but finds himself feeling resentful of his wife who makes the big bucks. So he handles this by carrying on an affair with a neighbor (who is, incidentally, a SAHM who can’t stand being home with her child all day). We are presented with a problematic view of SAHDs…apparently, if your man is kind enough to let you work while he takes care of the kids, you’re going to have to deal with the fact that he’ll suddenly have too much time on his hands.
In thinking about this issue, I realized that I have been making one crucial (and problematic) assumption: the liberal notion that a person’s achievements in the public sphere are more important than one’s private life. Your career, your community involvement, your political activism – these are the important things in life that indicate your value to society. Forget the fact that the private life is where children are brought into the world and raised to be members of society. Patriarchal societies have favored the public sphere for centuries, and have kept women out of that public sphere for nearly as long. Now that women are allowed to enter the public sphere (primarily by being able to vote and to work), it doesn’t mean that the subjugation of women has ended. The private life remains sexist. Women are now creatures of both the public and the private sphere. Men, however, remain mainly in the public realm. Sure, they come home in the evening and even pitch in with the chores, but they are not seen as primary caregivers.
An example, though I am reluctant to use it, would be Sarah Palin’s candidacy for Vice President. Though I find the woman’s political affiliations abhorrent, I do admit she has been a target of sexist commentary from the get-go. Many people have said, “She has so many children and one of them has Down’s Syndrome. She should quit the Presidential campaign and focus on raising her children.” If she were a man, they would not be saying this. I mean, come on! She has a husband, Todd Palin. Can’t he raise the kids? And if he is unwilling to “make the sacrifice” of being a SAHD, surely the Palins can afford a nanny (my personal thoughts on hiring someone to raise your children aside…). Either way, that is the last question people should be asking Palin. I think it’s proof that women are still seen as creatures of the private realm. We can go to college, get a fancy job, but when we decide to have children — something very natural to human life — we have to make major sacrifices. Men, as always, make none.
As MacKinnon states in her book Toward a Feminist Theory of the State (god I love this book): “Women become as free as men to work outside the home while men remain free from work within in it.”
On an individual level, I see much hope. Men of my generation are more accepting of women who make more money than they do. My own boyfriend claims that he wouldn’t mind being a SAHD. But what can society do about this issue? If women are moving into the public sphere, can’t men move into the private sphere? And how can we shift our negative perceptions of the private sphere?
My ex is sometimes a SAHD, simply because if he stays at home to raise his other child, he doesn’t have to pay child support for my son. I think it’s funny that this is his rationale, instead of wanting to provide a nice home environment for son number two (the one he has with his wife).
If you look at paternity leave vs maternity leave here in Australia the differences between men and women are clear – men get two weeks, women get 18 (this is UNPAID btw). Even if the man wants to be the primary care giver, he will still only get two week. Way to go australia!!
My next door neighbor is a SAHD. They had previously been a two-income family, but they moved here for her job. He stays home, looks for work, cooks dinner, does house projects, volunteers at school and his church.
The home we sold before we moved here, we sold to another SAHD and his wife, whose job payed more than his and they had two small children. He cleaned, but didn’t cook. *gg*
I don’t know if my experience is that unusual anymore, to be honest. Oh and ewww. Not sleeping with them. Blech.
Another aspect is SINGLE dads. Not that I know any full time single dads. I think that is an interesting fact in itself – there are lots of full time single mums (like myself), but not many full time single dads.
Again, I think this is a social phenomenon – If a couple break up or were never together, it is usually expected the mum will take on the majority of responsibility for the children, even if she has a fantastic job and he’s a deadbeat.
As Shannon mentioned, I think there’s often a problem with the institutional forces at hand. Too often, business in the US don’t provide women adequate time or salary when they’re forced on maternity leave. Often, actually, they are looked at as being less dedicated or motivated for their work. And there’s also the assumption behind unpaid maternity leave that all women are married, that there’s someone providing for them. Way to force patriarchal standards and nuclear family structures on people, huh!
That’s not to mention either all the ways that guys get out of helping out around the house, which is partly what makes the balance between work and family so difficult for women. My own father will often make my mother’s asking for help more difficult than if she just did the job herself. For example, he’ll ask her incessant questions about how to cook something or use the laundry machine, being stupid intentionally so he can’t go back and watch the game. Or else, he’ll give her insidious praise, like, “Honey, you’re so good at cooking. I just could never do it as well as you.” It’s not that he can’t cook as well; he just refuses to learn or doesn’t want to.
Grr… I could rant about this for days… great post though. ;)
My hubby works at home but we have decided that when we do have children I will be the one at home or sending the baby to Grandmas. Some men have that natural ability to take care of a baby and my hubby does not, lol.
I think scrapper26′s comment is sad. You are excusing your husband from having to take responisbility. I am certain many men and women are not born with the “natural ability” to take care of children. It’s something you learn and the responibility should be a shared one. . . .women should not be expected to bear the brunt of the responibility.
Sorry I haven’t responded to all of you sooner, my life has been pretty hectic lately!
@ Shannon – That’s interesting about the maternity leave laws in Australia. In the United States both men and women are covered by the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), which grants workers 12 weeks of unpaid leave if they or their spouse is pregnant or adopting (or if there is a major illness in the family). That’s all well and good, but I want there to be paid leave like in Sweden (up to a year for women, and I think 6 months for men).
It’s too bad your ex isn’t a SAHD for the right reasons, since I admit that taking care of your child full-time can be fulfilling and ultimately rewarding if you’re committed.
I also wonder about single dads. Personally I find it upstanding when a guy takes on that sort of commitment. My own mom raised me alone, and even though my dad lived a few blocks away, I rarely saw him. We have an amazing relationship now, but that’s largely because I took it upon myself to get to know him better. Sucked being a kid, though, and going to your dads’ on random Saturdays and feeling like you barely know him.
@ Sonyacardiff – That’s neat that you know of two SAHDs. I can’t believe that guy can’t cook though! Seems like he’d be more experienced with it.
@ Dollyann – You hit the nail on the head – there are definitely institutional factors at play that enforce gender differences and the difficulties of having children in today’s society. Also, about your dad – that’s an inventive way of getting out of cooking! Can’t say I think it’s admirable, but at least it’s creative?
@ Scrapper & Cassandra – Hope you find something that works for you. I do agree, though, with Cassandra here. I’m definitely not a “baby person” but if I plan to have children, I would hope that I’d be able to step up to the plate and learn how to care for a child (with my husband doing the same). I feel like we are told “women are more nurturing naturally” but I feel like that it’s not always true.
Shannon said: “If a couple break up or were never together, it is usually expected the mum will take on the majority of responsibility for the children, even if she has a fantastic job and he’s a deadbeat.”
For me the ‘who gets the kids’ issue is a personal tragedy for both involved, that gets highjacked by everyone else’s preoccupations. There’s plenty of single mums who do an amazing job under tough circumstances. At the same time, there are a lot of men who desperately want to live with/look after their kids after a divorce, but are prevented from doing so by the ex-wife/courts. It’s a tough issue – the kids have to stay with one parent and it’s going to hurt someone. But certainly in the UK there’s a legal precedent that the kids go with the woman, unless there’s exceptional circumstances that make her unsuitable, like she’s a heroin addict or something.
Being given a couple of saturdays a month can really destroy a man’s relationship with his kids. Especially at the age of 13-16 (dollface you kind of touched on this, although i don’t know about your persponal experiences) definitely my relationship with my parents at that age was to see them around the house but not spend any time talking with them. Without the constant contact at that age, you’re not a dad in the sense that everyone has a dad. You’re just a middle aged man who guilt-trips the kids into staying over every other week. And if the kid is anything like me they’ll not really bother, because at that age it’s more important to be drinking and meeting girls on a saturday afternoon/night than spending time in the living room drinking tea with dad.
And obviously i don’t know what you think of all this sharon, but seeming as however you rationalise it it’s a horrible personal tragedy for a large unsung minority of men, your comment sounded a bit callous to me. It’s not just the mum who suffers – I’d much rather be rushed off my feet trying to feed the kids than be lamenting my life alone in an empty bedsit.
@ rik — I agree with you, there are instances when the fact that women are perceived as the primary caregivers also negatively affects men. I had the same experience as you; my parents divorced when I was 10, and my brother and I only saw our dad on Saturdays (usually not even the whole day). After a while I became pretty shy around my dad and I felt like I didn’t even know him. As I grew older, I refused to go at all, because like you, I wanted to hang out with my friends or go on dates rather than sitting with my dad watching hockey.
Fortunately, my dad and I randomly bonded when I was 14 over the lamest Adam Sandler movie, and I started working at his office for a summer job. That saved our relationship, but my brother on the other hand has never really felt close to my dad.
I would really like to see the rigid concepts of gender open up more in society, so that women aren’t left holding the ball automatically, and men have more rights when it comes to their children.
Yes, raising your kids should be more important than what you accomplish at work. After all won’t they be carrying on your legacy when you have kicked the bucket? Do whatever it takes to raise your kids properly, especially if that means spending less time at the office.
-Jake