Woman, Get Thee to the Kitchen!
by Kelly
“The only kind of work which permits an able woman to realize her abilities fully, to achieve identity in society in a life plan that can encompass marriage and motherhood, is the kind that was forbidden by the feminine mystique, the lifelong commitment to an art or science, to politics or profession.”
- Betty Friedan
Last Friday I was sitting in one of my classes, nearly nodding off. We were discussing Betty Friedan’s Feminine Mystique and, for someone who was born into third wave feminism, it sounded like the same old stuff: women aren’t reaching their full human potentials as housewives, they deserve to have careers and education, and so on.
I was perfectly complacent until I happened to glance at the notebook of the girl sitting next to me. She was writing a comment to her male friend, “I think many men AND women still think a woman’s role should be in the home. It’s only a small number of people who frown on women being housewives. Right??”
Um…hold up. Was the Women’s Lib Movement a dream? Do women choose, overwhelmingly, to be a wife, mother, and homemaker…and nothing else?
Okay, pop culture is giving us some pretty warped ideas lately. While 50’s women lived up to a notion of “femininity” as the perfect wife, mother, and consumer, we now have to live up to the “sexy” image provided by TV shows like The Desperate Housewives: we not only freelance from home but we’re keen interior decorators with bouncy silicone breasts and highlights in our hair. According to television, movies, and so on, the modern woman can have a career…so long as she balances it with her mothering and homemaking skills. Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada is constantly derided for putting work first: as a consequence her husband(s) divorce her and her children are bratty. The working woman is soulless in the mainstream media…until of course, she undergoes the Stepford Wife treatment.
I wish I could have told that girl in my class that no, most people don’t think women should just be in home…rather, people believe they should do it all: tackle your career, your bathroom mop, and your love life with the same fanatical zeal. If you’re lucky, you’ll come out on top, like a veritable “Super Woman.” However, as most women know, that is a myth no one can truly embody.
I’ve also been hearing the argument lately, “What if I want to be a housewife? You can’t look down on me for that.” My response is this: women have choices now (in certain countries and, notably, in only the more affluent classes). If your choice is to be a housewife, great. But it’s my choice to think that kind of life wastes a woman’s human potential. Don’t get me wrong, I want a husband, kids, and a home, but I would not feel fulfilled if I didn’t have a tie to the outside world: a career, a raison d’être. If your sole goal is to pop out a few and chase after them with disposable wipes, be my guest. Just keep in mind, “The only way for a woman, as for a man, to find herself, to know herself as a person, is by creative work of her own. There is no other way.” – Betty Friedan
What do you think? Is it possible to balance a vibrant home life and a career? Do you struggle with the effort of it all? Or do you think women shouldn’t work at all? Comment away!
Check out Part II of this post: Men, Get Thee to the Kitchen!
The Females as Property Movement chortles at the bountiful illogic found within the mini-essay above.
@ Obbop — I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you’re joking. Thanks for reading!
As a woman, a wife, a mom, a homemaker, and a writer, I propose that you’re still looking at this as an either/or proposition. The reality is that once you have children (one raises one’s brow at “popping out a few” as the sum of the child-bearing and child-rearing experience), your life is not your own. YOUR goals are temporarily subsumed to the greater goal of raising another human being to be a civilized member of society. It’s YOUR responsibility, however you choose to handle it. Your career and your family are not parallel lines in life. They intertwine, they get knotted up, it gets messy. The straight line you’re drawing there about “your choice,” well, I guess you’ll just have to live it first.
@ Sonya — Thanks for your comment, you raise some important points. I have not yet had children, therefore as you point out, I do not have the firsthand experiences that you do. However, I have seen my mother (and others) struggle with this very issue. You raise the point that once you have children it is your responsibility to put child-bearing first. I agree with that completely. Perhaps I didn’t make this clear in the post, but my point really is: why do WOMEN have to change? You’re right, career and family are tangled up, but it’s left largely up to women to untangle the pieces and create a balanced life for her family and herself. Men are mostly able to remain “breadwinners” — sure, some men are probably taking on more involved roles in the child-raising process, but they are not required to by society in the same sense that women are. When women give birth, it is generally accepted that the children’s immediate welfare are her responsibility, while the economic welfare of the family is the man’s responsibility. However, as more women are either forced or choose to work, couples share the economic burden of raising a child. Yet, the “caregiver” role is still largely attributed to women.
I’m sorry if the phrase “popping out a few” offended you, it was tongue-in-cheek. I myself will someday go through the arduous task of childbirth and I didn’t mean to belittle it in any sense. However, in a world where people still claim that “women are more nurturing”, “If a man raises children they will not be as well-adjusted”, I think there is still an open debate about women’s role in life. Women are told they can do anything, but that translates to “women have to do everything”.
hi sonya – i think what dollface was trying to get at is that while it is not an either/or situation, it may ultimately turn into one. that is not to say that a woman can not have a successful career and a wonderful family, but when we assign the role of “homemaker” to a woman that becomes her main priority. i commend you for keeping up with your writing because that is something that ties you to the outside world, to something outside of yourself and your bloodlines. i do not have children myself, but i have witnessed this with my own mother as well as many other women. pretty soon children grow up and don’t need a mother as much anymore, and if she has no other purpose, where does she go from there? it is not a straight line, i think dollface was trying to make the point that women have to handle all of these messy converging lines of home, family, and career; while for men, the path of life is narrowly career-oriented.
i think you and dollface are more in agreement than it seems – you say that “once you have children, your life is not your own” and i feel like that is largely the point. in essence you can put your children into daycare or hire a nanny in order to focus on your job, or your work goes backseat to the family. i completely admire women such as yourself who work and devote their time to taking care of a family, but i agree that men do not have to give up their goals. this is not a value judgment – it is just the truth, that men rarely give up their careers or life plans, or even put them on hold, to take care of the home.
there is not necessarily a solution to this, however, and that is where the problem arises. i want to have children and a family as well, but i am still aware that it will most likely require me to put my career on hold or become less involved in it. i would not have a problem with it except that i do not want to be resentful of my partner who gets to have it all – a career, a family, and a home. like my mother always said (as she scrubbed walls and mopped floors) – “you know, sometimes i wish i had a wife.”
thanks again for commenting – i really agree with much of what you had to say and i just think we had to clarify our main points. we appreciate you reading!
-Harlequin
Ok, I see where we agree. And you’re right. It’s usually the woman who has to change. However, there’s a lot of power in staying home. It’s hidden, but it’s there.
Who runs the PTO that improves the schools your kids (hypothetical kids, of course) go to? SAHMs.
Who volunteers in the schools, leading the reading groups for the little 1st graders who are struggling? SAHMs.
Power isn’t always obvious. I control my family’s finances to a large degree. He may make the money, but because I’m the mom, I run the household, I pay the bills. I’m the one who makes the purchases — organic vegetables, green household cleaners, clothing made in America rather than supporting human rights abuses in China. I wield the power of the Almighty Dollar.
I’ve heard the argument that becoming a SAHM is a waste of a college education. Absolutely untrue. I have two BAs. One in French, one in Communication. Because of my education, not only do I make certain that my kids have a global focus, I’m able to raise their standards of reading, writing and communication. It’s part of who I am as a whole person. Not just a homemaker.
Yeah, sometimes you have to get down on your knees and scrub the shower floor, and Lord, do I hate scrubbing the shower floor. But you know what? I get my best ideas for stories in the shower. Stories that reflect dreams and realities.
Most of the homemakers I know aren’t wasting their potential. Their abilities and intelligence are simply funneled into areas behind the scenes. Once you tap into the idea that real power doesn’t have to be overt, it’s easier to see the connections that link us all together.
As for what we’ll do when the kids leave home? My mother began her own business. I write. My neighbor owns a business with her husband. A writer friend used to own an art gallery and maintains her interest there. I don’t know any SAHMs who have no outside interests.
The idea that SAHMs are locked solely into their children is, to me, based more on individual differences, rather than societal roles. As feminists, we may rail all we like about balances of power, but the motivation to fulfill our potential has to come from the individual. The opportunities are out there. Our foremothers fought the good fight to make sure of it. But for us to retain those opportunities, we each have to make our way toward them, however we make use of them. Whether it’s behind the scenes at home, or on a college campus, or as a scientist in a lab, it all comes down to the individual.
I’ve really enjoyed this discussion, ladies. I’m bookmarking your blog and hope to learn more from you!
If I ever get a brilliant career, I’m getting a maid. A man one. And he must wear a tight white t-shirt and jeans while he works. I’m just sayin’.
I love you Annie.
I agree that it is usually the women that end up having to juggle children and work (and the housework and everything else, usually at the expense of their playtime and leisure). I spent the afternoon at the lawyers talking about child support agreements and custody arrangements – apparently if my ex decides he wants to have access to my son, I have to comply and make him available, but my ex doesn’t actually have to show up. He has no responsibility. The legal system (in Australia mind you) makes it so the mother has full responsibility if the Dad doesn’t want to bother – no one can force him to look after Kaidin.
As for the whole work vs mothering thing, I would love to have an equal balance. Power to those SAHMs, but I did it for 2 years and I nearly ended up insane – it’s definitely not for me. My ideal situation would be to work 4 days a week while my (now imaginary) partner has the kids or they go into daycare. The other three days I’d stay at home.
Unfortunately, not many positions enable you to work a 4 day week. Neither is working a 4 day week finacially viable when it comes to living on your own, paying rent and eating occasionally. If I work 5-6 days however, the child care fees become stupendous and I don’t spend enough time with my children.
I am expected to be superwoman (my mum complains that I don’t spend enough time with kaidin when I’m at work, then complains that I don’t earn enough when I don’t work..) but the society I am part of doesn’t follow up with the support women need to be superwomen.
Don’t stay at home, it’s a waste (and a burden on social security)
Don’t work too much, your kids will end up delinquents.
I think the new feminist movement needs to concentrate less on judgment and quibbling over terminology and more on supporting, or even creating, a balance. And if this means putting pressure on men to take some responsibility for their offspring, I’m even more for it.
[...] Get Thee to the Kitchen (Part II) 1 10 2008 So the other day I posted about the modern housewife and how pop culture and second wave feminism has changed the role of women in [...]
[...] made my case elsewhere (and I’m going to go back to the Rotten Little Girls blog and steal my own answer for this.) Power isn’t always obvious. I control my family’s finances to [...]