Sometimes I feel like a big slut. And in a manner of speaking, some people would say I am pretty easy. I have not had sex with that many people, but my number is a bit higher than I care to admit. I have lied in shame about my number (not to anyone I have anything longstanding or serious with, I swear). But honestly, I am torn. Part of me wants to fuck every attractive human (penis desired but certainly not required) that I see, but the other part of me wants that monogamous relationship. I spend a good deal of time wondering how many more men I will have to sleep with before I find the one I want to be with indefinitely…err, I mean forever.
But quantifying my sexual escapades isn’t the real reason I feel like a slut. It’s more about the degree to which my emotions for a person sway me to give it up, and give it up fast (well sometimes I take it slow….) All jokes aside though, I try to stand my ground and demand respect, but at the end of the day my feelings take all. The last guy I fell for (note: by “fell for,” I mean got infatuated with, not fell in love with; there is a big difference) certainly wasn’t the monogamy material he tried to present himself as. He spouted about wanting a relationship every time he came back into my life, and I believed him because I wanted to. The last time I saw him he refused to come inside my house to meet my friends; he instead convinced me to have sex with him in the back of his car in the parking lot outside my house - after I cried with my back against his driver’s side door for an hour. The thing is, I don’t think this is a bad thing. I loved having sex with him, I wanted to do it. But I just feel so easy! I don’t find people that I can fall for often, but once I do, I fall for them so easily and lose all my dignity for them. If that makes sense. I have only ever been in unhealthy relationships, and this latest “relationship” has been going on for over six months. I should be woman enough to say that he can’t give me what I need and move on, but I just know that when he stops ignoring me this time his dick will be inside me faster than I can say “fuck me please.” I relish having him inside me, breathing on my neck, wrapping my arms around him and laying on his shoulder after we’re done. But sometimes I wonder just how fast he wants to get out of there.
What am I trying to say? I don’t know. Maybe that I’m not really a slut, I just want a person unconditionally. After bruises on my heart and ego heal, after my anger subsides, I realize I do care about people with more than my hormones. And if sex is supposed to be between people who care about each other, then I illogically conclude that caring for him overrides any lack of feelings on his part.
So is it okay for us to be sluts? Baby, I’ll be a slut for someone I care about any day. And maybe someone will come along to be a slut for me the same way.
Ah, me. Been there, done that.
I guess what I’m wondering is if you’re a “slut” by your standards? I tend to think not or you would change your behaviors. So, that leaves two (or more) other explanations.
One explanation that I think is pretty damned sure to play a role is socialization. In our culture, women are between that proverbial rock and hard place. We’re supposed to be BOTH madonna and whore. By that I mean we’re supposed to be sexy, be everyman’s route to sexual release, and at the same time be virgins. i suspect this has to do with the ownership thing that goes with the male role in this culture. After all, men own women. If they didn’t, women wouldn’t be “branded” with the name of what ever man owns them. (Mrs. John Doe? HUH?) So, no matter what you do, you’re doomed to feel you’re doing something wrong.
A second explanation that occurs to me is to wonder if there isn’t some awareness that caring easily for others (and that sounds to me like you do love “indiscriminately”) leaves you open to a whole lot of pain. By loving indiscriminately, I mean it sounds like you have a big heart and let people in quicker than most. That’s a good thing; very good. But it makes for a lot of hurt, too.
Or, perhaps the best explanation is neither of these. I’m just free associating here. Oh. I think i just explained my own psyche. Oops.
Knowing Harlequin pretty well myself, I would say she does have a big heart…and definitely with that comes a lot of hurt. However her friends & family (and someday the right man or woman) love her for her openness & generosity.
Thanks for the comment, rachel!
I know I often feel the same way as Harlequin. In the pursuit of finding the right guy, I definitely racked up a pretty large “body count”. Don’t get me wrong, I had sex because I wanted to, not because I expected men to want to date me as a result. At the end of the day, people DID call me a slut. But I personally don’t believe I am one; I have not lost my values or integrity through the actions I have made. To me, that is the real definition of a slut: someone who gives up an integral part of themselves by having intercourse (read into that what you will — it could mean someone who has sex for money when they feel morally opposed to it, or someone who fucks to get attention or respect, or something else entirely).
well this is the predicament i find myself in - i don’t think i am a slut in the way society thinks i am a slut, but i was trying to get across that sometimes i am hurt that i easily have sex with people who do not care about me, when i know i have strong feelings for them. i don’t often find people who i really relate to, and when i do, i tend to fall fast and hard.
i think that i was trying to say is that i let guys treat me like crap but i have sex with them anyways. that makes me feel like a slut, not because of any number count, but because of how i feel like i am losing my dignity. but i am not giving myself up, because i am not having sex with them to get them to love me or date me. i think a lot of people would look down on me (maybe even the guys i am sleeping with) because they treat me badly, but for some reason i can get over it. sure i get hurt and i cry and scream and yell, but at the end of the day i still care and once i let my emotions out i feel okay.
granted, i have never cared much about dignity anyways, i try to do what i want and feel. i wanted to have sex with these guys, i cared about them, even if they did hurt me. i do admit i get hurt a lot, but i have learned it is a part of life and i am not so afraid of it anymore. in the past i was shy and quiet and protected, but i was always lonely and didn’t really ever express myself.
i really appreciated your comments, both of you. they made me think even more about this (and trust me, i think about it a lot….) i am glad that there are people who can see what i am saying, i was honestly afraid to post this because i didn’t really think too much about it, i kind of just wrote how i felt.
so thanks!!
-Harlequin
Let me ask you this: What is wrong with being able to love? Rather, what is wrong with having a greater capacity to love than others?
This is where societal crap screws with the head. Back to the male ownership thing, we’re “bad” if we love anyone we’re not given permission to love.
Have as much sex as you want, just don’t let the guy know it’s anything more than sex.
If cry against his car door for a hour, screw him and let him leave he’ll be like “this chic is a nutcase, but she’s a good lay”. If you just went out, screwed him straight off and told him he could go now, you didn’t want him to meet anyone and went back to your friends he’d be like “this chic is a really good lay and in control”.
Inside all you want is for him to walk in holding hands with you so you can say to people “look at this great guy who I like and he likes me” but seriously, it’s not going to happen. Sex and dignity don’t really relate to each other - there is nothing dignified about having sex with your ass pressed up against a steering wheel, it’s just a whole lot of fun!
But dignity and crying against a car door have a lot to do with each other. In a polar opposites kind of way. I know, because I have been there. Except mine drove off BEFORE we fucked. Damn.
It’s a horrible thing to tell someone not to love people so much. So I wont. It’s really about control - when you give someone your heart they can do whatever they want with it. And it sounds like you just end up with the guys that stomp on it and walk off, leaving you a little broken and a little more desperate for someone to love you.
To take back the control, you can fall for guys as deeply and quickly as you want - just don’t let them know about it until they are ga ga for you. Don’t play ice princess and by all means get as much sex as you can, just don’t let them know that you will let them get away with anything.
Oh and stop counting. Once you get passed about 80 it just gets depressing. Not that I would know…
thanks for the comment shannon! i mean i agree with a lot of what you said, which is what i was struggling with when i wrote this. i do let guys walk all over me, which is weird since i am so demanding and controlling with everyone else! i was trying to say that in spite of how guys i sleep with (and society as a whole) might think less of me because of this whole situation, in the end i don’t really care. i think i care about people unconditionally - i can control it, and say that i won’t get upset over this guy, but i really do still care about him. i don’t fight that even if i think he treats me badly. i don’t know, this method is working out a lot better for me than pretending i don’t care. in a way this method works better at protecting me than playing it cool, it gives me a peace of mind. i am not saying it’s healthy, but it seems to be working for me!
the sex was something i wanted to happen. in fact i was not going to let him leave without fucking me….haha. but seriously, i got upset and then after we talked and i cried (trying to hide it the whole time, mind you….haha) i felt better about it. sure i care about him, but even if he doesn’t care about me i still want the sex.
as for not showing how i am to guys, that’s just not who i am. if a guy needs me to be hard to get until he falls for me, then it won’t work out because that is not how i operate. i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve (ugh i hate that phrase) and hopefully someone will come along who likes that about me…
this is so complicated for me!! i think by writing this post i was trying to just say how i felt, and accept that it is what it is. so screw people’s opinions, even this guy’s, and screw dignity. i’m going to have emotional attachment to this guy, who i have screamed and cried over, and i might be getting some pain - but i’m going to get my pleasure too dammit.
i know this is a long comment, but i have to say that a part of me relishes in the fact that he endures listening to me talk and cry for an hour if he just wants to have sex with me! not that i planned it that way, but looking back on it, i find it amusing….maybe that is why i don’t care much about dignity, because in this weird way i find happiness in my lack of it…
so what is your experience with guys that make you cry? i mean i know they must think girls who cry are obnoxious or crazy or something along those lines, but what did YOU think about it? i am just interested to hear someone else’s opinion on guys who act like jerks.
and it’s too bad you didn’t get the car sex!
OH i just thought of something. i only have good sex with people i care about.
i think that explains so much about how i feel about it.
haha sorry, revelation. seriously, thank you all for your comments, it’s really nice to have people who spark my thoughts and make me figure out the mess that is my mind…
haha, but bad sex is so much fun :)
On my 21st birthday my best friend rocked up about 3 hours late. To deal with my family without him being there I got incredibly drunk, plus I’d taken painkillers for my tattoo. By the time we got home I was an emotional wreck and I wanted him to come inside. It was my birthday dammit and I was gonna get what I wanted. He said no because he had to go home and ring this girl that he had been kinda seeing.
I went nuts. Cried and screamed and raged and threatened and cajoled, all right there in my car park and he just sat in his car silently smoking. I can’t even remember what I said, but in the end he told me he would let me cool off and drove off. I was hanging on to the car door about to get dragged down my driveway and I still wouldn’t let go! Then I pretty much went inside, slit my wrists and fell asleep. Seeing as i’m still here, obviously did a bad job of the slitting :)
I’m pretty sure there were more instances like this. Even worse ones in fact, including me telling a guy he could do whatever he wanted to me as long as he stayed with me just a few more minutes. the guy in the above scenario I am so deeply in love with it hurts and I’m moving across the country just to be closer to him. Just don’t tell him that. And we have amazing amazing sex.
I wear my heart on my sleeve too. Well, I did. Now I’m a bit harder and I tend to look after my own interests more - having kids does that to you I’m afraid - I can no longer afford to fall into months-long malaises after being treated badly. I fall in love so quickly and so deeply that it leaves me spinning. Luckily, I fall back out just as quick.
Just continue to make sure you are getting your pleasure. Coz once there is more pain than pleasure it starts having some long lasting effects on your psyche. But yeah, certainly don’t ever let society tell you you’re a slut because you go for what you want in the bedroom (or car as it may be… or beach. or park bench. or movie theatre… I always wanted to try a movie theatre), that makes you a goddess, not a slut!
I’ll stop choking up your comments now :)
PS: If you ever get that perfect guy who loves how open you are and is good in bed, ask him if he has a hot brother….
Hey Shannon don’t worry about choking up our comments…I’m enjoying reading all of these!
@ rachel — there really isn’t much wrong. I’m right up there with Shannon & Harlequin with the whole “wears her heart on her sleeve” thing. My first boyfriend told me “You fall in love too easily, I’m afraid you’ll get hurt someday.” Well he hurt me eventually, and so has every other guy I know. Don’t get me wrong, I have actually been in some eerily healthy relationships, but I always end up being hurt. Some say I just feel things too deeply, but I don’t know any other way of existing.
@ Shannon — I really really agree with your first comment. It’s hard for me, as Harley’s friend, to see her go through the bullshit that this guy put her through. Of course, I know too well that when you’re infatuated, nothing (not even the advice of a friend) will stand between you and your man. Even if he’s not much of a man… ;-)
Also, what happened on your 21st birthday sounds terrible & yet very deja vu. I can’t count how many times I’ve acted “insane” around men, and they just get fed up with me and leave (whether for good, or just for the night). I’m especially emotional when I drink, which can sometimes have some interesting outcomes…
By the way — I have a question for our return readers: Since Harlequin and I write pretty personal posts, would it be helpful if we indicated who was writing each one? (I’m thinking specifically of this post, or the post I wrote about my boyfriend, for example). I have no idea if WordPress shows who writes what, or if it even matters.
Thanks!
I think it’s becomes obvious in the comments who wrote what, as usually if someone posts something personal the other responds.
I think there is a wordpress function to differentiate who is who though.
shannon i love that you shared that story - i mean yes it is terrible but i can feel for you because, like you and dollface, i have done things like that too. my first few days of college last year i drank vodka for 4 days straight because my then-boyfriend was cheating on me. this did not end well! used to be hard for me to admit that, but men make me crazy. honestly, crazy. i wonder if i will ever meet a man that doesn’t drive me insane.
and if i did, would i even want him?
ahh attraction is such a bitch to figure out. but honestly, i can say i am happy now in spite of my past, and i am able to find humor in my insanity and emotional outbursts. no one can say we are not honest, and we always have interesting stories….
-Harlequin
by the way, what is the wordpress function that allows you to, i suppose, “personalize” posts? i am still trying to figure out my way around this site, i am technologically challenged…
hrm, hang on, it looks like you already use the ‘users’ bit.. I thought having two users would sign you off as two users, but apparently it only does it on certain templates.
You would have to do it with CSS. Or just make a little signature graphic each and glue it to the end of your posts.
Great article Harlequin :)
I came across this article about high-end prostitution and thought you guys might find it interesting as well: http://radaronline.com/from-the-magazine/2008/08/secrets_of_a_hipster_hooker_01.php
(Didn’t know where else to put it… )
Heyy cousin :-) Let me check this article out.
Did you watch Obama’s speech at the DNC?? Completely inspiring. Loved it.
Yeah, let me know what you think :)
Also, Obama=amazing! “Eight is ENOUGH”
@ Shannon - Yeah I think our template doesn’t show the authors. I might start indicating who wrote what, on certain posts. However, Harlequin and I often agree on issues, so it’s rarely a problem. Thanks for the help.
@Cousin - Eight IS enough. I thought it was a great speech.