Loving the One You’re With
by Kelly
In the fight to love myself there have been many casualties. Unfortunately, it took me a while to realize that I was naming the wrong enemies. Take my boyfriend, for example. When we started going out, things were fun & sweet. Then as things got serious I got to know more about him. There were things I didn’t like, such as the bikini-clad women on his computer desktop and his porn collection. I ignored the fact that he was a 22 year old man who hadn’t had a girlfriend in well, years. I also overlooked the fact that he eventually changed his wallpaper and favored sex with me over perusing porn. Instead of being happy with him, I cried often. I was jealous. Suspicious. I thought he might be some sexual deviant who secretly wanted his women tan and plastic.
Newsflash, Dollface. He doesn’t! As my boyfriend has repeatedly stated (and acted upon), he wants me. He loves my pale skin, my real breasts, my little tummy bump (“It’s soft and cute!”). I can’t blame him for his (largely innocuous) actions before he met me. I mean, let’s be honest. While he watched a little porn, I was busy shacking up with real penises . . . something he has taken in stride, I might add.
So I have come to realize, not all men cheat or watch porn every day, or compare our bodies to those of strippers and porn stars. When you fall in love, look for the signs that he wants and needs you, not some fantasy girl. Remember that you’re his fantasy realized.
I’m glad I have been able to overcome my insecurities in this relationship, because once the fear and anxiety faded away I was able to see him for who he was: a great, loving guy.
How about you? What have you overcome in your relationships (past or present)?
Why won’t you let your boyfriend look at women?
It makes me uncomfortable. He doesn’t want me to look at other men (in a sexual way) either. It’s just how our relationship is.
Thanks for commenting. Does your relationship (if you have one) work differently?
edit:
And, hey, don’t get me wrong. I realize we are all human beings subject to human nature. I know he recognizes attractiveness (etc) in others, just as I do. However, I didn’t like it being rubbed in my face every time I wanted to Google something. Just a personal preference.
I would never be in a relationship where I was told what I could look at.
Sounds like a plan. Everybody wants something different.
(and for the record, if I didn’t make it clear in the post, my boyfriend made the changes of his own accord, once he felt the relationship become serious)
I can relate. I remember feeling insecure because my boyfriend had some pics of confident racey bikini-clad types to whom I felt i paled in comparrison. a few years on and it doesn’t concern me at all, I joke around with the current boyf about people we are attracted to and I don’t even flinch, I think it has alot to do with experience.
Men almost always make such changes once a relationship becomes serious. But of course that is just to your face. He just goes elsewhere to be himself.
@ officetattle — I would agree with that. I joke around now too, and I guess by this post I just wanted to share my experience with becoming more comfortable. I misinterpreted his “racy pictures” as this ideal I didn’t match…but now I understand that I’m his ideal (pictures or no).
@ manupen — Alright. I get where you are coming from, but this post is actually pretty close to home for me. Posting it, even anonymously, is kind of hard. I don’t appreciate your “disapproval” of my relationship. You made your viewpoint heard. Move on. I trust my boyfriend & he doesn’t have to “go elsewhere” to be himself. He’s himself in the home we share.
Dollface don’t be afraid. Men can love a woman and still have other women on the side. In fact, men can be committed without being monogamous. Like you said, a perfect bikini body won’t keep a man from seeking variety.
manupmen — Right. Okay. What you’re talking about isn’t what I deem a monogamous relationship. My boyfriend keeps his penis in his pants. Thanks again for the insightful comments.
Dollface, I didn’t say your boyfriend was in a monogamous relationship.
This reminds me of the time some guy tried to have sex with me, saying that the woman he loved, the woman he wanted to marry, did not satisfy him sexually so he needed to go elsewhere. Well manupmen, all I have to say is that you (and this unnamed guy) are not the rule when it comes to men. You would not date someone who told you what to look at, and I can guarantee that myself or Dollface or most of our readers would not date someone with opinions like yours (not to mention your interesting choice of a name…). And that’s just personal taste.
Now, there are people who are open to the idea of – ahem – “open” relationships. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I am not one of those people; neither is Dollface. I do not believe in commitment without monogamy, and I also respect my partner’s wishes when it comes to sexuality. And it is not a matter of being “told” what to look at, rather it is the idea of mutual respect and consideration. Her boyfriend doesn’t look at these things because he has her now, and he doesn’t want them anymore. That’s his decision. If you wanted to look at them, that is between you and whatever unfortunate soul you find to date.
I also find it interesting that you agree with the quick digression from “looking” at other women to “cheating” with other women. I think this is the point that Dollface is trying to make – it’s a slippery slope. It’s not that her boyfriend merely looking at women makes her uncomfortable, it is also the connotations of that act and the possibility of cheating. Which – as you have just proven – is apparently a pretty accurate assumption.
Also, I have an issue with the idea of being honest only to someone’s “face.” Once again, this is not a gender issue…both men and women lie to their partners. But this is not to say that it is excusable or even common. Lying is not okay, especially in the context of personal relationships.
I would have to say that in relationships, there is a difference between what you refer to as “being afraid” and having your own boundaries that your partner must respect. You set your own definition of what love is and you set your own rules in a relationship, and finding someone who has the same notions that you do is what really makes a relationship work.
For the final time, manupmen:
My boyfriend asked me to be in a monogamous, faithful relationship a long time ago. I agreed. Since then we’ve sorted out any issues. Frankly, this entire post just got proven by your commentary: I thought his proclivities towards bikini-clad women might mean he’s an asshole who would cheat on me. I found out the truth is that he’s faithful and kind and treats me with respect. You, manupmen, are the type of person I would never date. I was afraid guys were like you, then I realized just the crazy ones are.
Allllll right ladies and gentlemen….
Now this commentary is looking a little ridiculous to me. I am tempted to delete it, but as Dollface and I emphasize in our comments policy, we don’t like to stifle free speech. We love the comments we get for the most part, even ones that we disagree with. Engaging in debates is part of the fun of all this. No one’s opinion is wrong, but it’s not okay to come on here and behave in a rude and condescending manner. We are not here to get into personal arguments about lifestyle choices. When someone feels personally attacked, it’s time to stop. Express your opinion, and leave it at that.
Having said that, manupmen voiced his opinion (and of course feel free to read more of this on his blog) and we appreciate that. However, this circle of comments about a personal relationship that he is not even involved in needs to stop right now, along with the sweeping generalizations he is making about the male side of humanity. Monogamy or lack thereof is not a gender-specific issue.
Other comments are certainly welcome! You know we love hearing your opinions!
-Harlequin
p.s. thank you for your comment officetattle…i agree with you in a way. i have grown more comfortable with the fact of the presence of other women, but i think it depends not just on experience but also on how secure you feel with the person. i have dated some guys who made me especially insecure because they were always making it obvious….eckk!
[...] this commentary is looking a little ridiculous to me. I am tempted to delete it, but as Dollface and I emphasize [...]
I haven’t had any romantic relationships yet, so my experience is worth nil here. But I will say that it seems like you (dollface) have really overcome a tough obstacle in our society when it comes to having a truly loving relationship with your boyfriend. I mean, when so many women are socialized to think that all men are drooling, stupid, sex-obssessed slobs (thank-you nauseating, sexist American advertising), you’re bound to be suspicious and jealous as you start getting into a committed relationship. But it sounds like you two talked about your feelings (omgz, open communication) and that bridged the gap for you. That’s wonderful. Reality… what a blessing. :)
Thanks dollyann. Communication definitely helped. I’d be upset and he’d keep asking “What did I do wrong???” It took me a while to realize he had done nothing wrong…I was the one who needed to sort out my insecurities.