I now pronounce you…wait, what’s your name again?
by Kelly
Taking your husband’s last name. Does anyone do that anymore? Sure, traditionally the woman takes the man’s last name, but now there are several options.
The latest trend in marital surnames seems to be the hyphenated name. Romijn-Stamos, Jolie-Pitt. If the celebrities are doing it, why not? However, this seems to be more complicated than it needs to be. Whose name goes first? Will your children take both names or choose one? What if they marry and want a hyphenated name? Will there be little Jolie-Pitt-Smiths running around in the next few decades?
From a feminist standpoint, I would say there are several arguments. Some people maintain that taking on the man’s name is old-fashioned and out-dated. If women are equal, shouldn’t they retain their own last name? Better yet, why doesn’t the man take the woman’s name? (There is a growing number of husbands who do just that, actually).
However, many feminists would also argue that the women’s rights movement is about equality of choice between men and women. Under that logic, it would really depend on the individual to decide whether to take their spouse’s name. If a woman finds it romantic to take her husband’s surname, then by all means, do so!
Unfortunately, in a patriarchal society like the United States, men taking on a woman’s name is stigmatized to a certain degree. If a man even wants to take on his wife’s surname, he faces confusion & misunderstanding from others. If women can make the choice with ease, men should be able to as well. Interestingly enough, men face legal obstacles in some states when it comes to changing their name. Only in some states (such as Georgia, Iowa, Hawaii, and Massachusetts) are there provisions under the law that allow for men to change their name through marriage just as easily as women. For there to be a true equality of choice, there should be such provisions in every state.
Let me not forget to address same-sex couples. In the state of Massachusetts and parts of California it is possible for same-sex couples to get married. In these marriages, deciding to take on your spouse’s name is really up to the individual. However, since these couples are the same sex, are there provisions under the law for an easy name-change? I tried looking this up, but couldn’t find much information. Questions like these will become more prominent once same-sex marriages are legalized in more states (hopefully sooner than later).
What are your thoughts on the matter? Will you take your future husband/wife’s name, or create a new one altogether?
Unfortunately, in a patriarchal society like the United States, men taking on a woman’s name is stigmatized to a certain degree. If a man even wants to take on his wife’s surname, he faces confusion & misunderstanding from others.
Or extreme parental opposition, in my case, when I wanted to change my name to my wife’s. My parents had raised me to be progressive, but when their son wanted to change his name to his wife’s name, all of a sudden he got the “Not in my backyard” hypocrisy from them. It got so bad that eventually my wife (who was all for the idea at first) convinced me to back down, just so we wouldn’t have any bad blood at the wedding.
it’s difficult. I’ve always thought i’d take my husband’s name (unless it was ugly!). but now that I’m starting my career as an artist, my name is important. It’s not that I’m working under a bigger company; I’m my own business, and changing my name later could lead to confusion. My identity is extremely important, and frankly, i think my name is perfect. Honestly, I don’t know what will happen in the future, I’m not even in a relationship right now so it’s not a big concern at the moment.
I really don’t like the hyphenated name, to me it’s way too complicated. when the children of a hyphenated name decide to get married, what happens then? 3 hyphenations, 4? I don’t think it’s progressive to continually tack on last names. family trees are complicated enough, let’s not add hyphenations to the mix.
by the way, I enjoy reading your blog!
I took my husband’s name because I like it. I wouldn’t have if I didn’t. It’s nice to be a family unit with the same last name, but not if it’s the Butts family! lol… Apologies to any Butts out there. ;)
It’s funny, I just had a very length discussion with a coworker who didn’t change her name but feels discomfort that her two kids have her husbands name. I think as long as the decision isn’t a knee jerk one, it’s impossible to judge someone on such a personal choice. Personally, my last name has little meaning for me. My grandmother had kids by several husbands so the only person I have the same last name as are my mother and sister–aunts, uncles, cousins *and* grandmother all have different last names. So taking someone else’s name just wouldn’t be this giant break from a familial identity for me.
Of course, given the fact the issues I have around weddings, it’s unlikely I’ll have to make that choice any time soon.
Also, thank you so much for reading & commenting. And thank you for the ebay link. I’ll have a long look this evening.
A.Y. – That’s too bad your parents were so opposed – especially since it was a change you wanted to make. I understand where your wife is coming from, I would probably do the same in that situation.
Laura – You bring up an interesting point that I failed to mention: how important names can be in certain industries. Your name is sort of like your brand – change your brand and you might lose customers/loyalty, or merely create confusion. I really like my name as well, and don’t know if I will ever change it.
Annie — Don’t worry, I’m not a Butt. However, I’ll never forget my elementary school teachers’ name: Mrs. Wallet! I wish I were kidding :-)
Ambika – Your coworker’s experience reminds me of a friend of mine. She had her father’s last name, and after her parents’ divorce, she lived with her mother. By the time she was in high school she decided to go by her mother’s last name instead. I always found that to be an interesting idea (since I was in the same situation, but kept my father’s name). Thanks for commenting!
I took my husband’s name because I had no personal connection with my dirt bag father whose name I had been carrying up to that point.
I have friends who each kept their last name but created another last name to hyphen to it. If they have kids they will be given the new last name.
I think each woman should be allowed/encouraged to decide what works for her. But I also like the whole family tradition of carrying a name through the generations. Can you imagine the genealogy headache a century from now?
I am keeping my name when (if?) I get married because it was my grandfathers last name (yes, I am a bastard child, woohoo!) and I really like it. It’s too long to hyphenate.
My kids (the one I already have and the one on the way) will also have my last name. That way there is more pressure for my husband to change his name to fit in with us. lol. I don’t think it’s a big deal any more, which is good because my boyfriend’s last name is Turk and neither of us think it sounds particularly eloquent.
I’ve kept my name since ditching the first husband who railed against me not changing it when we married. I tried hyphenating it for a while during that marriage and lawd it was clunky. Then I took his name to keep the peace but hated it/him and decided to ditch both and take my name back and never let it go again.
I have a friend who made their 2 names into one and it’s very pretty but for most names, it doesn’t work that well.
My kids have their father’s last name because it’s Italian and I’m all about that culture (except to make my name Italian). My youngest son has my last name as his middle name and he likes that a lot and will pass it on to one of his kids.
My current husband said, when we were engaged, “You’re not taking my name, right?” and I said “Right.” He said, “Okay, I just don’t see what the big deal is…it’s just a name.” (JUST a name?) So I said, “Okay then you change yours to mine.”
End of conversation. It’s never come up again. If there was a way to combine the names, we would have done that but it didn’t work.
My daughter in law recently changed her name to my son’s because they’re having kids soon, she likes his name better, and she says her family is so large and ours is smaller, she wants one more of us.
@BigGirlBlue — “Can you imagine the genealogy headache a century from now?” That’s a great question. Personally I want to keep my name going, especially since most of my cousins are female (and my brother is gay, incidentally, so I’m not sure what his thoughts are in terms of the name debate. He’s too young to be thinking about it!!). So in that sense, I would really love to keep my name.
@ Shannon — I love how you said he should change his name to fit in with you and the kids. That seems like a good enough reason to me! I love my last name as well…in fact I really identify with it & love that side of my family. So, if I do get married, changing my name might be an issue for me.
@ Susan — To some it is just a name, but in your case, your last name symbolizes your independence and perserverence through rough times. I think it’s pretty damn awesome that you changed your name back after the divorce.