Domestic abuse is a phrase I am sure we all shudder at, even though we may conjure up an image of a glamorous-looking woman wearing oversized sunglasses and scarves to cover bruises. 
Such a cool and mysterious (and inaccurate) depiction allows this kind of violence to border on being trendy. While it occurred behind close doors for centuries – even the Bible allows for the punishment of disobedient wives – only now do we have this media obsession with the personal lives of celebrities who are rumored to have an unruly fist every now and then.
Because in the end, domestic abuse is not what you see in the movies; it’s not the erotic passion of Kim Basinger crawling across the floor in “9 ½ weeks,” but it’s also not a Lifetime tale of a helplessly shattered woman. The harsh reality of abuse is that it is full of emotions on both sides, but not the beauty and heart wrenching dysfunctional love that people have come to find enthralling. I know I will not be the only woman to admit that a man unleashing his aggression on me makes me feel wrongly passionate, alive…and well, pretty damn turned on. Just think back to the innocent pop sound of the 1962 song “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss),” written by none other than Carole King and co. – listen to the original by the Crystals and check out a great live cover by one of my favorite inappropriately badass babes.
But neither extreme holds true to reality. If your boyfriend hits you, it doesn’t mean he loves you. But just because he hits you doesn’t mean he is abusive. There is some line in this blurry universe of domesticated war that seems natural for people to hang around…when the heat rises, horrible words, hands or other foreign objects may start flying. Now if this is a daily part of you and your partner’s routine, you may want to rethink the relationship, or at least hide all the sharp objects in your house. But the occasional expression of physical aggravation is normal and I don’t think that every woman should be throwing the word “domestic abuse” around. The allegations against “Batman” star Christian Bale are close to being dropped, for example, because the motivation has been rumored to be money. Cases like these simply weaken the support behind those who really do suffer from abusive relationships. It’s a more dangerous version of “the boy who cried wolf” because true domestic violence is a real problem. Statistics show that in the U.S. about 1.3 million women are assaulted by a partner each year. Even worse, 1,247 women in the U.S. were killed by an intimate partner in 2000, and those are only the allegations that have been proven (think of the crack in the judicial system that allows a man like O.J. to fall through).
I am not trying to say that hitting people is justified, because in all moral concerns it is wrong. But humans are not strictly moral beings, and in that way I can understand how a person can hit another person – or, God forbid, how a man could hit a woman. I know my behavior, and I can understand why ex-boyfriends might think about realigning my teeth with their fist. For the record, I sometimes want to punch them too. And I feel a lot more comfortable expressing this desire simply because I am a woman. While women are most commonly victims of abuse, men are as well – but it’s almost a joke in this society for a man to come forward against an abusive woman. For some reason, it is acceptable for women to hit a man across the face as way of expressing their disgust, but a man doing the same thing would get slapped with an assault charge. In my mind, domestic abuse has been so popularized and trivialized that it takes attention away from the real cause, the real battered women who most often sit in silence rather than throwing around accusations against former NBA players who have deep pockets. And these men could be abusive, but I can not believe that every acquittal in domestic violence cases is wrong.
Ike, OJ, and even smooth-voiced Jackson Browne. There are probably a million reasons how truly abusive men like these got their women to stick by them for so long. Society saw it as almost commonplace. I do not believe that anyone wants to endure that pain, but if a woman doesn’t leave after that first punch, then chances are she will be around for many more of those throughout the years, if not forever. At the end of the day I am not sure the “how” matters. They stayed, and the men received little or no punishment for the tragic outcomes.
Photo Credits: Abuse ads by Saatchi & Saatchi Singapore for Association of Women for Action & Research (2008)
When I began reading this blog I thought I would disagree but I kept reading…but it turned out to be more than true! You’re very right…but of course there are emotions hidden in the lives behind the victims of that abuse and the people who create it. So us “outsiders” would never really know why a wife would stay with an abusive husband, and we would never really fully understand why a husband hits his wife, because each situation is different and so is each relationship. Sadly, there’s not much we can do if a woman keeps quiet about something so horrible, and the worst part is when they are in your family or in your line of friends. The media doesn’t do the best job in depicting domestic violence sometimes, but, I think everyone has a little second hand or first hand experience of it. I don’t know really what I’m saying, and I think I’m just trying to sound smart like you, but, I want you to know that you’re awesome at writing posts, lol. :)
i was kind of nervous about posting this because i didn’t want to sound like i was demolishing feminism or anything…but i really do think the whole psychology of domestic violence is so complicated and nothing like most people come to expect. and what you said about the “outsiders” is a good point, i agree with you completely on that.
and thank you so much for reading, i am psyched that you liked it!
I’m glad you posted this, you had some very good points!! Thanks for complimenting my outsiders comment, lol. That’s about all the intelligence I had left for that day! LOL! :) I’d love to read more, your blog is interesting…so no problem!